The 10 Most Essential Clueless Quotes For Parents & How To Use Them

As you, I and everyone else knows, 1995’s Clueless is easily one of most perfect movies ever made. Jane Austen’s Emma, on which the movie is (kinda) based, honestly is maybe not even quite as good as the movie, and that’s not a knock at Jane Austen it’s an expression of just how good Clueless is. Reasons for this abound, but top of the lengthy list is its enduring quotability. I would bet my entire (admittedly anemic) 401k I could get by for days speaking nothing but Clueless quotes.

There’s a perfect one for every moment. Now, some lists of the best Clueless quotes drop all of them, as if they’re all great (well, they kind of are) and as if they’re all equally awesome. I’m here to tell you that — while the movie as a whole embodies the kind of cinematic perfection seen once-a-decade at most — every quotable moment is not all equally awesome. Some are simply better than others, and that is why you’re reading this, my entirely subjective ranking of the very best Clueless quotes.

Right after the movie came out, I thought my primary linguistic takeaways would be phrases like “as if!” and of course, “whatever” (which did prove to have some lasting power). But instead, these are the phrases from certain exceptionally pitch-perfect moments in Clueless that have become an all-purpose shorthand in my life — nay, all our lives — and so won’t you join me in my little celebration of the very best Clueless quotes? Come along with me, one and all! You’re very truly invited to my little Clueless love fest. After all, I remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty!

“Don’t burn that.”

Context:

Tai comes over to purge her life of Elton. They turn on Cher’s fireplace, and proceed to burn Tai’s Elton memorabilia. When she goes to toss a tape of “Rollin' With The Homies” into the flames, Cher stops her, saying “Don't burn that.”

Suggested usages:

Any time your child is doing something that they shouldn’t do, you can simply say “don’t burn that.” Kid trying to open a drawer with a pair of your sharpest scissors? “Don’t burn that.” Toddler grab your keys and run straight for the one socket you forgot to put an outlet cover on? “Don’t burn that.” It’ll give you a little boost to mumble a Clueless quote to yourself as your child screams at you for taking away the terrifyingly dangerous thing you caught them playing with.

“That was way harsh.”

Context:

Tai: Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin, who can’t drive.

Cher: That was way harsh, Tai.

Suggested usages:

I realize how often I rely on these Clueless quotes to lighten the mood when the whole work-and-small-children situation starts to build up and there’s some accumulated tension in the air. A little carefully executed use of “that was way harsh,” has been known to break down building resentments and bring my husband and I back together. It’s also handy for when my kids are mean to me (please tell me this is a universal thing?). They may not get the reference, but that’s OK. It perks me up to respond to a rage-y “I don’t like you Mama” (probably because I turned off the TV, or something horrendous like that) with “that was way harsh.” Highly recommend!

“It looks like underwear!”

Context:

Mel: What the hell is that? (referring to a dress Cher is wearing)

Cher: A dress!

Mel: Says who?

Cher: Calvin Klein!

Mel: It looks like underwear!

Suggested usages:

A lot of what my kid wears does look like underwear, especially the more out-there superhero costumes that have been passed down to us from others. Ditto various extremely short (WTF) toddler skirts that have been handed down to us (and immediately given away). So yeah, I use this one a lot lately. 10/10!

“Wow! Are you OK? That looked really bad.”

Context:

Tai and Cher go to a party with Christian and Josh, and Tai immediately falls down. She’s mortified and as Cher is convincing her that no one saw, a random partygoer comes up to her and says “Wow! Are you OK? That looked really bad.” In other words, the nightmare.

Suggested usages:

Any time my husband or I injures ourselves in an embarrassing way, the other one has to diffuse the awkwardness with this Clueless quote. It’s a rule. From personal experience, it’s exceptionally satisfying to say when your spouse drops their phone or Kindle on their face when they’re reading in bed.

“I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.”

Context:

Cher: I care about the news.

Josh: Since when?

Cher: Since now.

Josh: You look confused.

Cher: Well, uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.

Suggested usages:

Whenever the news cycle seems a little more, well, cyclical than you wish it were. Which is, obviously, all the time. Highly quotable!

“I remember Mel Gibson accurately. And he didn’t say that. That Polonius guy did.”

The context:

Josh’s friend: It's just like Hamlet said, to thine own self be true.

Cher: Uh no. Hamlet didn't say that.

Josh’s friend: I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.

Cher: Well I remember Mel Gibson accurately. And he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

Suggested usages:

Really any time you want to correct someone who is being snobby and you’re 100% certain they’re wrong and you’re right. It’s surprisingly handy, but only satisfying to say “I remember Mel Gibson accurately” if you’re sure they’ll get the reference and understand the shorthand translation, which is “I’m right and you’re wrong.”

“My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?”

The context:

Elton always wants to get out of class, and this is his most half-assed attempt to be excused.

Suggested usages:

Oh, boundless. Any time your kid wants to stay home sick from school, but you’re sure they’re faking it. Or when your spouse is complaining of the world’s mildest cold symptoms and using them as an excuse to do less. It’s just a good all-purpose call out. Or, when you yourself are trying to weasel out of something and your spouse is on to you, save the moment by acknowledging your total laziness — just say “my foot hurts” and laugh together instead of letting whatever else was going to happen play out.

“Ooo! Should I write them a note?”

Context:

Cher says this as she is side-swiping a row of parked cars, as we watch her fail her driver’s test.

Suggested usages:

Any time you mess up in a very major way. Or if you need to diffuse the awkwardness as your kid does a nature pee in someone random neighbor’s yard because they really couldn’t wait, a little “should I write them a note?” moment may keep your spirits up.

“Everywhere in L.A. takes 20 minutes.”

Context:

Cher’s at a “ragin’” party in the Valley, and her Dad, Mel, calls to ask where she is and when she’ll be home. She lies about where she is, and he is suspicious. “Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in 20 minutes. Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty minutes,” he says, meaning it as a threat for sure.

Suggested usages:

It’s really hard to get out the door fast with small kids, and I always seem to severely underestimate how long it’s going to take. I think that somewhere in my brain I truly believe that everywhere I might be headed takes 20 minutes. So I guess I’m with Mel? I don’t know. I really pull this one of context, but it’s just a universally helpful phrase for people — like me — who suffer from chronic lateness, and is heavily-used in our household.

“Just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians.”

Context:

Cher is giving a presentation in debate class about refugees coming to America, and says: “Some people are all ‘What about the strain on our resources?’ But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians.”

Suggested usages:

Another Clueless quote that we lift way out of context and whittle down to its bones. We say “If we could just... rearrange some things” constantly, meaning that we’ll just, you know, make it work! Whatever “it” is. Suddenly your mom’s aunt’s son is joining for Thanksgiving, or preschool pick-up is happening mysteriously early for mysterious reasons and we just remembered? We’ll just “get to the kitchen, rearrange some things!” In other words, no biggie. We can certainly party with the Haitians (pronounced, for these purposes, ‘Haiti-ans.’)