Celeb Parents, We Beg Of You, Please Stop With The TMI Toilet Talk

I regret to inform you that the celebrities are at it again. In a recent interview on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast, the host and his guest Bradley Cooper began swapping stories about being a dad to young daughters — Shepard’s kids, Lincoln and Delta, are almost 11 and 9, respectively, and Cooper’s daughter, Lea, is almost 7. Normally I find this endearing. I mean *gestures to the website I work for* parent-y news is my bread and butter and also my jam. But then the conversation steered into territory where I did not want to follow. Specifically, in Shepard and Cooper’s bathrooms.

During the episode, Cooper asked Shepard about his morning routine, opening the door for Shepard to go into detail, specifically talking about how after meditation, coffee and nicotine, and some journaling, “it’s poopy time.”

Well, I thought, that’s not strictly speaking necessary is it? Reader, neither was what followed.

“The girls start coming in and out,” Shepard said. “And I wonder, is this the same with Lea, where they sit and talk to me, like a foot away from me, and it’s terrible in there.”

“My bedroom is... the bathtub and toilet and bed are all in the same room. It’s 24/7, dude!” Cooper laughed. “There are no doors. The stairs go up and it’s all one floor.” Apparently, Lea will chat away with the Maestro star while he’s on the toilet as well. “We talk where I’m on the toilet, she’s in the bathtub. That’s sort of the go-to.”

Look, I’m sure any parent on the planet can tell you about at least one time a child tried to come into the bathroom. More likely, they can tell a story much like the one we’re hearing from Shepard and Cooper — kids sitting there watching you poop is often just part of the parenting gig. But we don’t need to hear about it from strangers. I don’t know which publicist told all these people this would be endearing but it’s not. (Conversely, where is the publicist who forgot to tell them it’s maybe not endearing? Have they just been out sick for the past five-ish years?)

Here’s a good rule: If I’ve never seen your butt (in person, Bradley: Nightmare Alley doesn’t count) then I don’t want to hear about the things you’ve done with it. If I have seen your butt, I still don’t want to hear too much about its various functions or who you’re with while that’s happening. And it’s not just butts. Anything bathroom related can just exit public celebrity discourse. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, don’t bathe your kids all you want, but also just maybe keep it to yourself. Meghan Trainor, sweetie, holding hands while you pee (but don’t poop) on your side-by-side toilets could have remained your special thing. Now, it will unfortunately haunt me to the end of my days. Kristen Bell, I love you, I don’t need to hear about your “anal worms.” There’s a fine line between relatable and oversharing and, bless your sweet hearts, you’ve all stepped over that line.

We all know everyone poops (and pees, and lots of folks get pinworms or hold off on daily bathing) but it’s still not something everyone wants to think about. Also, Bradley, you might want to build some walls soon. A thought — do with it what you will.