Who We’d Love To See Be The First Golden Bachelorette

There’s no doubt that Noles, 66, is an absolute delight to watch on TV. She’s the life of the party. We all remember her karate chopping wood in the talent show, popping out of a birthday cake, and having absolutely zero shame about her possibly meatball-fueled flatulence during The Golden Bachelor. To put it simply, the Philly-based wedding officiant is a hoot and we’d love to see her date (and eliminate) a handsome bunch of seniors.

Mason, 75, made headlines during her run on The Golden Bachelor when she skipped her daughter’s wedding in an effort to find love. The retired executive assistant from Georgia is clearly ready and dedicated to finding her next partner. She’d be an excellent pick for The Golden Bachelorette, if only for her silly sense of humor and the fact that she’s really proud of her credit score. And she’s not afraid to, shall we say, express herself? See Exhibit 1 and Exhibit 2 for further proof. Take a deep and say it with me, folks: f****************ckkkkkkk.

Plain and simple, Kirkwood, 66, is a flirt. But not in a cringey, over-the-top way; the therapist and chicken aficionado who smacked her booty on the first night is very charming, sweet, and funny. We all remember her fake pickleball injury to earn her a little extra quality time with Turner, right? As she put it, “A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.” And, let’s not forget, she’s stylish. Just imagine all the looks ABC’s budget could afford?

When Goltzer, 71, wasn’t dominating on the pickleball court and cracking jokes, her story pulled at our heartstrings. The retired teacher from Florida applied to be on The Golden Bachelor because her beloved best friend and fellow Bachelor Nation fan Roberta Zaktzer encouraged her to go for it. Zaktzer passed away after a battle with cancer in 2023 and the season was dedicated to her. Fans think Goltzer is definitely in the running to be the first Golden Bachelorette. She wore her heart on her sleeve and we’d love to see her stun in more gorgeous gowns.

Vassos, 60, left The Golden Bachelor early, on her own terms, due to a family emergency with her daughter who had recently given birth and was suffering from postpartum depression. “My family will always be first. Once you become a mom, you’re always a mom even when your kids are older. Nothing is more important,” she said on the show. Thankfully, as Vassos shared, all is fine now, but it was a bummer that we didn’t get to see more of her and how her connection with Turner might’ve evolved. Fans absolutely loved her, but especially her commitment to her family. And she’s a joy to follow on TikTok and Bachelor Nation thinks she deserves another shot at love.

Of course, this is all entirely speculative. But as long as we’re speculating, why not go all out with speculation and make it outlandish? Here are some other women we’d love to see as our next Golden Bachelorette.

We don’t need to sell you on this or give you an elevator pitch: you can already see this one in your mind. Coolidge, delighted and discombobulated in a sea of eligible bachelors vying for her hand. One-on-one dates would be her telling meandering, nonsensical, but hilarious stories as the gentleman sat, rapt but deeply confused.

A reality dating competition with White Lotus-vibes is the energy we deserve, nay, need in 2024.

Honestly, we just love the idea of Maggie Smith channeling all her Dowager Countess/Professor McGonagall energy and being so devastatingly witty and mean to the contestants that they don’t so much get eliminated as eventually run away crying. By Episode 3, maybe 4, it’s no longer a dating show: it’s just Dame Maggie luxuriating by the pool on her own and, TBH, we’d be happy to watch that, too.

Honestly, if Martha Stewart weren’t the doyen of her own lifestyle empire, you could totally see her on a dating show like The Golden Bachelorette. She’s beautiful, vivacious, confident, accomplished, and full of surprises. You have to imagine dates would involve a ton of cooking and crafting while she kindly but discerningly noted who was floundering and whomst among these men could hold their own.

We’ll be honest: we don’t think there’s a man alive who is able to truly hold their own against this glorious woman. Being on a date with her would be like looking into the face of God: at some point you’re going to be blinded by the glory. But that’s why this is such an inspired choice. Imagine a dozen 60 to 75-year-old men trying to shoot their shot with Angela Bassett. It will be a disaster, and we would watch every second of it.

It’s best if we just demonstrate why this would be incredible.

Scene: A one-on-one date with Golden Bachelorette Judy Sheindlin. He is in a sports coat and slacks. She is in full judge regalia.

Judge Judy: So. Mr. X, where do you live?

Contestant: Well Judy...

Judge Judy: Excuse me. Sir! You’re on my date: you may call me “judge” or “your honor.” Understood?

Contestant: Yes.

Judge Judy: Yes what?

Contestant: Yes, your honor.

Judge Judy: Good. Now, I’ll ask again — where do you live?

Contestant: Your honor I was born...

Judge Judy: Hold on. I’m gonna stop you there. I wasn’t asking where you were born. I was asking where you live. Right now we’re just establishing the facts of the case. I don’t need...

Contestant: It’s just that...

Judge Judy: I’M SPEAKING! [She turns to Bailiff Byrd, who is, of course, standing beside her during all of her dates] Can you believe this? [Bailiff Byrd shakes head.]