Tax Day
Taxes Are Certain, & So Are These Funny Quotes
Because Tax Day needs some laughs so you can get through it.
In the past, you got a few extra days to get your taxes done this year, but that didn’t necessarily make tax day any more fun. Watching your hard-earned money go to the government, no matter what good comes from it, is bound to make you want to scream, but with a few funny tax day quotes, you may be able to make through April 15.
It's not hard to laugh at taxes. People have been making fun of them for years. I can't count the number of television shows that pick fun at taxes during an episode, but one of my favorites is Roseanne. Waiting in line at the IRS to find out the rules for a form, being redirected to the massive tax law book, and fighting against the "man?” That's what tax day is all about!
OK, and it's also about paying what you owe to Uncle Sam so you can help fund the ongoing highway construction that makes you late to work every day, the Social Security that people claim you're never going to see in our lifetime, and help support the defense operations many don't even agree with. Yay taxes!
Don't get too depressed. Taxes are taxes, and to make it feel a little lighter, here are some funny tax day quotes so you don't cry into your forms. Here’s to hoping for a nice refund.
1"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf." ― Will Rogers
2"I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?" ― Milton Berle
3"On my income tax 1040, it says, ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about 3 inches away." ― Tom Lehrer
4"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag." ― Jay Leno
5"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes." ― Chris Rock
6"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them." ― Margaret Mitchell
7"When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." ― Jimmy Kimmel
8"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids." ― Harvey Mackay
9"Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream." ― Conan O'Brien
10"According to a recent survey, 12% of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes, while the other 88% know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." ― Jimmy Fallon
11"You know, if the U.S. government wanted to boost the economy, there's a simple solution: make Black Friday the refund date for your state and federal taxes." ― Stanley Victor Paskavich
12“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” — Mark Twain
13“People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women.” — Anonymous
14“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.” — Russell Baker
15“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” — Albert Einstein
16“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.” — Bill Vaughan
17“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!” — Anonymous
18“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.” — Farmer’s Almanac
19“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later, the government will find a way to tax them.” — Anonymous
20“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” — Douglas Adams
21“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” — Herman Wouk
22“Isn’t it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool’s Day and ends with cries of May Day?” — Robert Knauerhase
23“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.” — Mick Jagger
24“There is no such thing as a good tax.” — Winston Churchill
25“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.” — Unknown
26“If you think you can keep everything to yourself. . . the IRS doesn’t.” — Unknown
27“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” — Craig Ferguson
28“Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.” — Gerald Barzan
29“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.” — Unknown
30“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.” — Unknown
31“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.” — Evan Esar
32“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.” — Soupy Sales
33“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.” — Unknown
34Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking." — Unknown
35“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money." — Al Capone
36"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government." — Barry Goldwater
37"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax." — Thomas Dewar
38"I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age — which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday." — Noel Coward
39“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.” — Unknown
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