The way one mom who has lost a child wants to spend Mother’s Day may be completely different than someone else, which is why Christina Moran-Obrien, who lost her daughter to SIDS when she was 5 months old, suggests addressing the topic before Mother’s Day rolls around. “If you are close, you can ask in advance, ‘How would you like to acknowledge or not acknowledge Mother’s Day?’,” she says. Simply asking the question could mean a lot. “Making the effort to ask that question might be comforting and validating to a mother who has experienced a loss.”

“A [mom] who has experienced a loss may feel inclined to spend the whole day under the blankets,” Wicklund explains, but she might feel guilty for it, especially if there are expectations for her to celebrate. So, if she tells you she’d like to spend the day alone, it’s important to respect her boundaries and let her know it’s OK, and that you’re there if she changes her mind. It’s possible she will wake up feeling one way and change her mind about how she prefers to spend Mother’s Day.

Thoughtfulness is going to go a long way for a mom who has lost a child. “Don’t assume they want to chat or have a visit,” explains Wicklund, instead she suggests opting for a card, text, call, meal gift certificate or even a gift left on the porch. Moran-Obrien agrees, and also suggests doing something more symbolic like making a donation in her and/or her child’s name or planting some flowers for her.

Mother’s Day is all about showing appreciation to moms, and a bereaved mom is still a mom. If you are close to the friend, it can be very validating to simply acknowledge that you know she is a mother, even though her child is not alive. “It can be especially important to go out of your way to acknowledge that she is still a mother [on Mother’s Day],” Moran-Obrien says, “The day can offer an opportunity to honor and remember whatever time she had with her child or the bond they shared as mother and child.”

No matter how she’s spending the day or what she’s feeling, Brunner stresses the importance of letting a bereaved mom know that it’s OK, and they’re in your thoughts. “A woman who is battling infertility, a woman who has experienced a miscarriage, or a woman who has lost a child all might experience feelings of grief on Mother’s Day,” she says, “It is important to acknowledge and validate those feelings.” You might not be able to fully understand the pain she’s feeling, but letting her know that you’re willing to listen, and that she’s in your thoughts will go a long way.

Whether it’s a tree the family planted in memory of their child, or a formal headstone, offer to accompany mom to visit her child’s memorial site on Mother’s Day. It’s a heavy activity, though, so if she isn’t feeling up for it, don’t pressure her into going. However, just because she doesn’t have the heart to visit the memorial site, that doesn’t mean you can’t go. Make the trip on your own to lay down some fresh flowers, say hello, and pay your respects to the little one.

For moms with multiple kids, Mother’s Day may be bittersweet. As much as she likely wants to spend the day soaking up the love of her children, she might also like a little time to herself to mourn the child she lost. You can support her need for this by taking her other kids out for an ice cream cone or to go play in the park for a while. Ask what she needs, and how much time she could use to herself on Mother’s Day, and do what you can to give it to her.

Moran-Obrien says she appreciates any time someone acknowledges her daughter. “[A bereaved mom] may feel that they and their child have been forgotten as the world celebrates,” she says, so taking the time to remember their child on Mother’s Day (or any day) can make a big impact. Moran-Obrien explains that it doesn’t have to be an elaborate message, just something small like “I’m missing your child today,” “I was remembering what a wonderful mother you were to your child,” or “I’m thinking of you this Mother’s Day.”

“Being bombarded by Mother’s Day-related ads and baby-filled social media posts can trigger intense feelings of loss and emptiness,” says Brunner, so sharing a special post for a bereaved mom probably isn’t the way to go. “I find that [bereaved moms] likely want to hide from social media [on Mother’s Day],” Wicklund says, so chances are high she wouldn’t even see the post anyway.

If she does want to celebrate in some way, take the lead in planning your get-together. “If you can take the burden of planning off her shoulders, do it,” says Moran-Obrien. Set up a lunch reservation, schedule a mani-pedi date, or grab a couple of tickets to a movie that will make her laugh. Just be sure to keep it low-pressure. It may be important to simply let her decide in the moment what feels right.

There are two ways you can do this. If mom wants to be left alone on Mother’s Day, you can write her a letter or card to let her know you’re thinking of her and her child. Or, you can write a letter to her child for her to read. If you opt to do this, fill the page with memories you have of them (if you have any) and/or describing how lucky they are to have their mom. Talk about how much she loves them, how much she misses them, and how she will never stop keeping their memory alive.