If Your Mom Criticizes These 5 Things, She May Be Toxic

Your parents aren't required to launch a new PFLAG chapter or anything if your sexual orientation is anything but heterosexual, but some support in this area is always respectful. "I think some of the most toxic things a mother could say to her kid is 'I don't believe in trans identity,' 'to be good and innocent you can't have sex,' or 'your private parts are dirty' — all of which I have heard parents say," sex educator & consultant Sarah D'Andrea, M.Ed. tells Romper. Cutting remarks about your perfectly healthy and normal sex life as an adult are just out of line and can be incredibly damaging if this is what this is what you’ve been taught since you were a young child.

Does it feel like your mom is constantly undermining your progress? "Comments where a mother takes credit for a child's accomplishment can also be toxic and destructive," says relationship coach Lisa Vallejos, Ph.D. "For example, a child wins an award and the mother says something like 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' instead of allowing the child to be celebrated on their own merit." Whether you're getting a masters degree or trying out a new exercise regime, your mom is there to take the credit.

Honestly, this is a super sensitive topic for loads of people, so even the slightest comment can feel like a personal attack. "A toxic mother will bring up your weight and whether it's too little or too heavy according to her own standard of what is acceptable," says trauma therapist Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse. "Toxic mothers make themselves the barometer of right and wrong in their children's lives." And there's a very good chance that your weight is never quite right by her standards, whatever the numbers on the scale say.

Maybe your mom pits you against peers. "A toxic mother compares her children to other people's kids," says Thomas. "She highlights individual's successes and likes to talk about specific areas where you may be struggling." If your peers happen to graduate college or get engaged before you do, then there's a big chance this news will be used against you in some way.

This is an especially frustrating criticism. "But, moms should especially steer clear of criticizing or demeaning things that kids can’t change — such as their looks," as media psychiatrist & bestselling author Carole Lieberman M.D. tells Romper. "For example, never say, 'I wish your eyes were blue instead of brown.'" There isn't much you can do about these sorts of comments anyway, because it isn't like you can grow five inches taller or instantly change careers just to placate a parent.