Take *that,* celestial bodies!
Mercury Is No Longer In Retrograde, So Let’s Blame This Stuff For Our Bad Mood
Luckily, we have options!
Mercury in Retrograde is my favorite blanket excuse for whatever is going wrong. Your fruit-loving kid suddenly whining about every brown spot on their banana? Mercury Retrograde. Your mascara wand breaks? Mercury Retrograde. Dryer doesn’t finish drying the soccer uniform you needed about two minutes ago? Mercury Retrograde. When life’s most annoying crises stack up, you can either yell at your spouse and eat Nutella right out of the jar, or you can shrug and blame it on some mysterious planetary force. Sometimes I even whisper it to myself like a pep talk. Why stress when you know Mercury is in Retrograde and she’s going to screw things up for you no matter how hard you try?
Mercury has been in Retrograde since April 1, but it is now officially over today, April 25. But don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security — shit can still get weird and you can still feel off. You’re going to have to find something new to blame when the vibes are off.
So in honor of the planets aligning and acting the way they’re supposed to (at least for a few months), I’ve got a list of reasons to give when somebody asks you why you’re so grouchy. You can’t blame Mercury anymore, but you can sure blame these things.
Influencers’ fridge restock videos.
Where are all your leftovers? Where do you keep the hunks of cheese you nibble on throughout the day like an anxious mouse?
Every celebrity poop story currently in the news cycle.
I miss the days when “they’re just like us!” celebrity chatter was because we saw Britney Spears comparing the prices of fat-free yogurt in her local grocery store and not because Tori Spelling takes a sh*t while she’s talking to her son.
It’s too windy outside.
Was April always like this? What happened to only needing a light jacket?
Your bra’s underwire is poking you in the armpit.
If you were to commit a crime while this was happening and told the jury at trial exactly how much underwire had wedged itself into the soft part of your armpit, they’d be like, “No conviction, your honor. In fact, give her some kind of restitution.”
The woman who ruined your Target run by talking about how overrated Taylor Swift is.
You know what’s overrated, ma’am? Loudly sharing your bad opinions while I’m trying to buy a new bra.
Your kids not flushing the toilet.
Like, who raised these children?
Finding tiny blobs of dried Play-Doh everywhere.
Is there anything worse than knowing there’s more to come — in your shoes, your coffee cup, on your pillow.
Your toddler’s “I can do it” phase.
Wow, this is exhausting, and now you’re 30 minutes late to go anywhere because you didn’t account for the time it takes a 2-year-old to go down the stairs with two stuffies, a pretend stethoscope, and a bowl of Goldfish crackers she keeps spilling and must pick up.
Some TikTok reel about doing “vintage” makeup trends from 2002.
If this 22-year-old had any courage, she’d be applying a two-shades-too-dark concealer and white eyeliner.
The person at the playground who said she had to go home and clean her dishwasher filter.
Did you even know your dishwasher had a filter? Why must we wash something that literally DOES THE WASHING.
May is coming.
It’s the last month of school, so now you have to buy yearbooks and organize the graduation tickets, and you might as well just take a leave of absence from work so you don’t miss the preschool art show or your fourth grader’s chorus concert. They’re happening within 30 seconds of each other.
The pile of socks in your house.
There are few things more upsetting than walking into a clean living room and finding your husband’s balled up socks right there on the floor. And oh look, it had babies because as soon as your kids came home from school they thought, “I guess this is where socks go now!”
The Supreme Court, the 2024 Election, the entire state of Florida.
Must we go on?
The Bluey mom at preschool pickup who made you feel like a bandwagon fan.
Ah, no. I missed that Easter egg. Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I’m not a “real” Bluey fan. It’s just a cartoon. That I watch when my kids watch. Because it’s a cartoon. And I have a f*cking dishwasher filter to go find.
See? There’s so much more to blame than the alignment of one planet. Lucky us.
