9 Sad Beige Gifts That Capture The True Meaning Of The Holidays (Despair!)

Emotional labor of the holidays got you down? Worn right out by moving that Elf every night, arguing about who’s in charge of gifts for your in-laws (it’s you, duh!), and whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie? We get it. To help our fellow parents get back in touch with what’s really at the heart of the season, the equally worn out moms of Romper We moms at Romper turned to Hayley DeRoche, AKA Sad Beige, famous for her viral Sad Beige Children videos, as we knew she was the only one who could capture the true, ah, spirit of the season for some of us (especially for those of us with a touch of the seasonal depresh’). Oh! Is that her we hear now, swooping in like a very merry little vampire bat? Why, it is! Hark! And consider your gifting woes wrapped.

Ding dong merrily on high, in heav'n the bells are ringing... with the agonizing vile clanging of this miserable season of consumption. Welcome to Werner Herzog’s Sad Beige Gift Guide, the only gift guide for those longing to embrace the darkness within. What are the wretches on your gift list wishing for this year? Let me guide you towards shopping until we are dropping deep into the abyss.

Oatmeal

Yes, your young ones may clamber and whine for the rainbow glitter slimes littering the shelves of every shop, but you know better than to give in to such fetid dreams. For what is slime but the gift of misery, the gift of “it’s stuck to my squishmallow” (AKA boneless abominations), the gift of residue that reeks of wanton consumption and glue and something called “blooberry”— NO. We will not stand idly by letting such a gift ooze over everything. Instead, present your slobbering tots with a tub of oatmeal, which can serve as both a drum, a meal, and a pinhole camera. For what more does man need than music, sustenance, and memory?

A weathered scroll

Tell your teens to stop scrolling and start… scrolling! The more dusty and aged by the sands of time, the better. Yes, a wizened scroll hidden deep in a secret tomb for centuries is what’s on every youth’s list this year. Give the gift of ancient knowledge and watch them throw their phone into the sea for sure.Fast fashion crop top

Embrace the abyss of forced labor and human rights violations in service of… fashion!! This season, give the gift of mental compartmentalization and apathy with a few simple taps on your screen! If you didn’t see the human rights violations with your own eyes, it’s basically like they don’t exist!! Add to cart!!

Little Live Pets Gotta Go Flamingo Interactive Plush Toy That Eats, Sings, Wiggles, Poops and Talks (Batteries Included)

In a way, we are all Gotta Go Flamingos, strapped down to the porcelain bowl that is life, forced to undergo transformations only the most depraved god could conjure up, bound for all eternity in an endless ouroboros wailing UH OH GOTTA GO as we devour our reusable food pellets and flap our flightless wings, crying out to the uncaring cosmos that we must go, we must go, we must go.

Dream journal

Do visions of sugarplums dance in your head? Destroy them by writing your dreams down and then casting those dreams into the fire. Watch them dance in the flickering flames before they turn to ash, as all dreams do.

Scary story told by an actual bog witch

Move over Ms. Rachel, your babies need a Bog Witch! For the littlest ones on your shopping list, consider a scary story told by your not-necessarily-friendly neighborhood Bog Witch. Embrace the ancient tradition of frightening young ones away from the world’s dangers with a visit from the Bog Witch. Bonus, she can be paid in smooth stones or in Faustian bargains, whichever you are most comfortable with.

A boat

Like I always say, “Every man should pull a boat over a mountain once in his life.” What better way to get into the great outdoors than with a clear goal in mind? Yes, your giftee may find themselves wondering (as so many do), “What am I doing at the top of this festering mountain inexplicably trying to manhandle a boat over it?” and to that I say, bear in mind that the boat is a metaphor for the burdens you carry, and the mountain is, of course, your life. Overcome your psyche, overcome the mountain.

Locket full of graveyard dirt

On a cold barren night beneath the moon, you must collect this dirt unseen and unheard save by the souls that wander the tombs. Encase this dirt in a locket and present it to your love as a token that they can wear to remind them of the place where we are all headed, in the end. All of us are on a journey from the cradle to the grave; why fuss with meaningless trinkets and baubles when you can give the gift of mortality’s every-looming presence, a gentle kiss hovering over each one of us, lips parted, ready to embrace us all in turn. I personally love to give these tucked into the toe of a stocking as a fun little surprise. Everyone’s inevitable demise, after all, is often similarly surprising, tucked into the merry Christmas stocking toe of life.

Name a star in your loved one’s honor

We are all nothing, we are less than nothing, we are dirt under the fingernails of an angry god, specks of dust in the dustpan of life, blips in the infinite galaxy -- give the gift of delusion by daring to believe you could ever own the name of a star, as though we have any control over the universe, as though we are not all hurtling through a vast galaxy so big we cannot wrap our puny minds around it. Yes, give the gift of the illusion of immortality and scream up at the vast sky about how important you are, even as humanity fades to black.

Panera Bread gift card

Remind those you love how much they mean to you with a bowl with 4.2 grains of quinoa for $19.97 (pre-tax). Never has the universe screamed with more agony.