The most telltale warning sign of an abusive grandparent dates back a generation. If “they were emotionally abusive to the parent,” Brown explains, “then very likely they will continue with the child.” If you or your partner’s childhood was marked by verbal or emotional abuse from a parent, the chances are high that this parent will use these same tactics on your child. Domestic violence often occurs in patterns, and even if you don’t directly see a grandparent mistreating your child, it’s worth being vigilant if you have been harmed by this person in the past.

Another sign of a toxic grandparent is someone who obviously likes one grandchild better than the others. They might buy special gifts for them, spend more time with them, or even express their favoritism out loud. “Making one grandchild a favorite [and the] others [scape]goats” signals potential relationship abuse, Brown says. While it is OK for a grandparent and child to have a special bond — say one child plays a sport that their grandparent is especially passionate about — it should never feel like one child has favored status. This could force the other children to go to unhealthy lengths to earn a grandparent’s love, approval, and affection.

One subtle form of emotional abuse is belittling or criticizing a child's appearance, behavior, or abilities. Brown specifies that this might come in the form of little comments about weight or clothing choices, framed as “You’d look so pretty if…” or “If only you would…” Even if the comment seems flippant in the moment, these little slights can slowly degrade a child’s self-esteem over time. Even if the grandparent truly believes they have the child’s well-being in mind, they may inadvertently be causing the child to question their self-worth.

It’s never OK for a grandparent to comment on a child’s looks, let alone talk specifically about any part of their body. Brown notes that especially for children going through puberty, it’s a huge red flag if the grandparent makes direct comments about how their body is changing. Again, this comment may be intended in a harmless way, but it can make a child feel deeply uncomfortable during an already vulnerable stage of their life. Make sure to put a stop to this behavior as soon as you notice it.

Affirming a child’s identity is critical to their mental health and well-being — according to the Trevor Project’s 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, trans and nonbinary youth surrounded by people who respect their pronouns attempt suicide at half the rate of those whose home environments are hostile to them. Keep in mind that your child might be exposed to discrimination at the hands of grandparents or other relatives, even if you are supportive of them at home. Brown cites two examples of toxic behavior in grandparents: deadnaming a transgender child or refusing to use “they/them” pronouns on the “specious grounds of grammar.”

This isn’t about having one glass of wine or having a dose of a medically prescribed substance in front of a grandchild. If the grandparent is “consistently altered in the child’s presence,” Brown explains, that’s cause for concern, especially if this behavior is normalized in front of them. While addiction should never be shamed or stigmatized, it is important to talk to your child about why it occurs and how to minimize their risk — especially if the child is seeing it firsthand through a grandparent.

Pay attention to your child’s words and body language when discussing their grandparent. “If the kid says that they don't like how the grandparent treats them, parents need to engage with the child and be their advocate for fair treatment,” Brown says. Listening to your child is the first step toward helping them process and heal from any trauma they may have experienced.