You know what I love? Pregnant bellies. They're absolutely adorable and you know there's a cute baby growing inside them. That's like if you saw a really adorable teddy bear and learned there was a baby chick inside. I mean, really, pregnant bellies should just come with a sign that says "Touch Me." Oh sure, the naysayers (read: reasonable goddamn adults) may tell you that you should never touch anyone without their enthusiastic consent (read: you really shouldn't) but those people clearly don't understand the healing benefits of touching a pregnant belly without asking (read: guys, there's none and since I write a lot of satire that's misconstrued, usually by people who don't bother to read the whole article, it's critically important that you understand that this is satire and you should never touch anyone, including pregnant women, without their explicit permission).
I mean, it's not like you have any ill will towards the pregnant person in question. But when it comes down to it, are their protestations or desire to keep to themselves and not be touched by complete strangers while they're trying to go about their days and live their lives, more important than your feelings and all the wonderful things you want to impart with your eager touch? I just don't think so. They might be growing human beings inside their bodies, but that just seems selfish to me.
After all, consider all of the following benefits to being petted, stroked, pat, and delicately caressed without giving the green light first! And these benefits are amplified if a stranger touches you without even asking! So honestly, pregnant people, you're welcome for randomly putting our hands on your bellies and "helping you out" through an already stressful, exhausting time.
It Shows That Her Body Is Public Property
After all, she's a woman who appeared in public so, honestly, what was she expecting?That's why it's so important to enter her personal space uninvited and unannounced. It's a great way to reinforce the idea that her body never really belonged to her, but it definitely doesn't belong to her now. Who better to teach her that valuable lesson, than you? Thank you, person who doesn't value women as human beings. You do such good and important work.
It Imbues Her With All Of Your Wisdom
It's sort of through osmosis, but once you've got your hand on her belly you can sort of dig your claws in, hold her in place, and tell her everything you know about pregnancy and babies. This is a great and totally appropriate time to tell her what you think she should be doing, how she should give birth, your opinions on breastfeeding, and how you think she should raise her child. Lucky her! She is going to be an expert by the time you're through!
It Is Soothing
What could be more relaxing than being randomly and constantly grabbed by anyone withing reaching distance? Human touch is so soothing. A hug from a loved one, a deep tissue massage from a licensed therapist: it's super relaxing! So how is that any different from the sweaty palm of a stranger groping your pregnant belly on a crowded A-train at rush hour? It all releases the same endorphins that cause a deep and satisfied calm in whoever is being touched.
It Rids Her Body Of Toxins
I mean, no one can really agree on what a toxin is or isn't, so why the hell not make this claim? By someone's definition it's probably true. Yep: touching a pregnant woman without asking basically has the power of five juice cleanses at once, especially when it comes to ridding the body of toxins. That's just science. Look it up.
It Builds A Powerful Bond Between You & Her
Whether or not you know the pregnant person you are pawing at, an instant and important connection will be forged through the simple act of you laying your hands on her without asking. You will feel involved in this special moment in her life, the time during which she contains a new life within her body. Your touching her will involve you in that process, and fill you with reverent awe. She will be filled with disdain and revulsion that you have taken it upon yourself to grab her without permission.
OK, so it's going to be a special bond for two different reasons, but at least you're making an impression!
It Lets Her Know You Are The Alpha
Look, you're a go-getter. A proactive doer, and you do what you want. Everyone around you had better get with the program or get out of your way. Touching a pregnant woman without asking quickly and definitely lets everyone around her know that you are the dominant personality here and that whatever she wants is inconsequential to what you're after and, by golly, you're after that lovely round tummy of hers. You're doing her a favor, really, letting her know that this is the way your world works. You may be the alpha, but you always look out for the betas and omegas... and by that I mean you force them into a position of submission and bow them to your every whim. So magnanimous.
It Takes Away Her Agency
Pregnant women have so much to carry around, including extra weight, worries, and emotions, not to mention everything they had to do before they were pregnant. So why on Earth would they also want to have to deal with the ability to make their own choices? That's where your unsolicited touching comes in. It's a great way to show her, "Look, whatever decisions you thought you had to make, like, about who gets to have any access to your body? Those decisions are being made for you. You're welcome!"
No, really, she'll thank you!
It Balances Her Aura
You can't prove it doesn't, right? So you can't challenge me when I say it does. Again: science. So touch away and watch her aura go from red and enormous to purple and medium... or, like... white and small? I don't know... what is an aura supposed to look like? Whatever aura is the best that's what you can do by grabbing a pregnant woman. Science.
It Elevates Her Heart Rate
Because if she is angry, scared, or nervous (or just generally moved to emotion by your busy little hands) her heart is going to beat faster. You know what else elevates a heart rate? A good work out. So, really, you're basically ensuring that this lady gets in her daily dose of cardio. Look at all the good you do! This is fantastic! She was probably wondering when she was going to have a chance to squeeze that in. You just cleared up her afternoon for something else. You're a hero.
It Lets Her Know How Special You Are
OK, maybe pregnant women have good reasons for not wanting just anyone to touch them without permission, but you're you. You're special and important and better than everyone else (read: you're really not, at least not in this matter). You're entitled to this (read: you're not entitled to touch anyone without their permission), so just go for it (read: for the love of god, don't)! How else can you help the pregnant women of the world?
(Leave pregnant women the hell alone. Seriously.)
