10 Things You Can Totally Blame On Your Kid (Because That's What Kids Are For, Right?)

It's a running joke in my home that every fart is automatically the toddler's fault. My 2-year-old son thinks this policy is hilarious, and laughs every time we blame a "toot" on his little behind.

Of course, in more serious cases (that are usually silent but deadly) we seriously blame the baby. In fact, I have insisted rather sincerely that it was my son that caused us all to vacate the living room, when it was definitely me and the breakfast onion bagel sandwich I had in the morning. Whoops.

If this isn't one of the best reasons to have children, I honestly don't know what is. I now have a built-in excuse as to why I couldn't travel across town for cocktails or go to some pyramid-scheme "party" or attend another child's birthday party. "My kid is sick," or, "He finally fell asleep," or, "He's having one of his bad, tantrum-throwing days," are all valid, and usually the mere mention of a toddler with a snuffy nose is enough to get people to back off and let you watch your Netflix shows in peace.

I try to be tidy and keep things in order and not, you know, live in a dumpster. However, my child is a human tornado and I'm not going to continuously pick up after him at all hours of the day, just so the UPS guy can take a gander at our living room and not cringe. Sometimes, the house is messy and, yes, sometimes it's because of my son. Other times? Well, other times it's because The Office is on. I just don't have to admit that, because children. #Priorities.

If you're around (most) moms, it won't be long before you hear about a week (or several) where it was practically impossible for a mom to have a shower thanks to her baby or her toddler or whatever. Is that absolutely the case, the majority of the time? You bet. It can be really difficult to find the time to take care of yourself when you have a newborn, and sleep usually trumps personal hygiene.

However, sometimes you just don't feel like showering, but that doesn't sound as valiant as, "I didn't have the time because I was keeping another human being alive."

Like you should even need an excuse, right? Right.

Come to the parenthood party because you have a built in excuse to cancel plans, and stay for the childhood movies and cartoons you get to watch on a regular basis. Yes, everyone, watching Toy Story 3 for the 39th time is for my son. He wants to watch it.

Now that I have a toddler, I get to play with legos and action figures and toy kitchens making make-believe food, and it's the best. Adulthood, sadly, can do a bang-up job of zapping your imagination, but parenthood tends to rejuvenate it.

Now I get to spend my afternoons in a Batman mask and cape while my kid plays with his Spiderman action figure. All for him, of course.

It's not that I'm particularly proud of using parenthood as an excuse to order my favorite Chinese food a few times a week, but the exhaustion that comes with being a working mom seems like a pretty valid reason to let someone else do the cooking. Just sayin'.

If Thanksgiving is particularly rough or Christmas is becoming "too much," or my cousin's birthday party is turning into one, giant family argument, I have a reason to leave.

"It's not that I don't want to hear your rant, Uncle Joe. No, really, I would love to listen to your political views for the 17th time. It's just that I have to take the kid home so he can have a nap. It's very important that he naps. Important naps are the key to future intelligence, according to the internet, and we all know that everything on the internet is completely true. Always."

If I don't take this nap in the middle of the day, I won't be able to function when my kid wakes up. Plus, didn't you say that I should, "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Yeah, that's what this is. I'm just following some very wise, totally doable parenting advice. Thank you, very much.