10 Weird Things Every Mom Does When Her Kid Isn't Looking

Now, I am doing my best to be a body positive mama. Strictly speaking, I don't think there are "bad foods," because I don't believe in moralizing food. But are there foods I don't feel like sharing with my kid? Hell yeah.

I was so sad the day my now-toddler learned to recognize the smell of fries and asked for them. Ditto for cupcakes, donuts, and egg-free cookie dough. I mean, I know how to balance these things with more substantive foods in my diet. (Mostly.) My toddler, however? Yeah, not so much. Now, fries are a special treat for days when my kid unexpectedly naps in the car and there's a drive thru nearby.

Same goes for candy. I can eat a Reese's (or four) without totally losing my mind or refusing to eat actual food for the rest of the day. My toddler can't. Three finger salute to all the moms out there waiting for their kid to nap so they can raid the leftover Halloween candy stash.

You know that toy. The annoying one that makes a lot of noise that you would never have purchased, but that their grandparents or other spoil-y adults in their lives bought for them. That toy gets "lost" (or, alternatively, “breaks” — aka gets its batteries removed) a lot when the kid’s not looking, doesn't it? Yeah, I see you.

Being fully present with your kids is very important. But if they're actually playing calmly amongst themselves in a safe space, not clamoring for your attention, it's almost weird not to briefly retreat across the room to group text with your friends or school somebody who's wrong on the internet.

They're doing their best. We're doing our best. Sometimes, our respective bests — or all the other things we have going on in our lives — still leave us wanting to scream at the top of our lungs, but that won't do. So, we wait until they're preoccupied with something else, turn to the mirror (or the imaginary TV studio audience watching us in our living room, whichever), and mouth all the things it would be totally wrong to say out loud.

'Cause you can't very well flip off the $#@%*&! SOB who cut you off right in front of your kid, right? I thought the middle finger under the steering wheel trick was my own aggressive Jersey Girl driver-turned-mom adaptation, until one of my be-a-better-person sheroes — Texas born-and-bred Brené Brown — admitted to doing it too in her book, Rising Strong. I feel so much less alone now.

O, Lord of Toddler Sleep, hear my prayer. Cast thy sleepy dust over this small, disgruntled child, and deliver me from fatigue-induced crankiness and biting. Please keep him in your care until after sunrise, or at least long enough to enjoy a glass or two of wine and some, uh, quality time with my partner. In your drowsy name, Amen.

Sometimes, your prayers to the parenting gods are actually answered in the affirmative, and everything is just going right. When that happens, you kinda have to do a little dance in your imaginary end zone to celebrate. Day to day, mom life is all about the small victories.

Flirty texts don't send themselves, so you have to sneak those in where you can. Foreplay starts in the morning, right?

"The day is done. They say goodnight. And somebody turns off the light. The moon is high, adult beverages are fine. Mama sips, and sips, and sips, her wine."