Stop Doing These Things In 2020

“I try to stop working when my kids get home from school, but as any working parent knows, there are times when I’m working after hours,” says Lauren Halpern, a PR consultant with two kids based in Austin, Texas. “So this summer, my new goal became to look at my kids when they come into my office and want to talk about their day.”

"As a woman, I’m personally focusing on kicking doubt to the curb,” says Missy Stevens, a freelance marketing and communications writer with two sons in Austin. “We are inundated with so much information and advice that, for me, has resulted in not being able to hear my own thoughts sometimes.” So she’s going to stop doubting her gut when it comes to making decisions, along with stopping doubting her value when pursuing professional goals.

It’s been around long enough that women can stop, Stevens says. “We can use it more wisely and put boundaries in place,” she says. “I don’t need to be filled with doubt just because I see a post that makes me question my profession, my marriage, my parenting, whatever, but instead, I can ignore that doubt and focus on what I know to be true for me and for my family.”

Every child, every person, has value and gifts that they can use to achieve the best for their lives, Stevens says. “I would like to see children considered as individuals and celebrated for who they are, even if it doesn’t conform to the traditional idea of success,” she says. “I don’t mean that we shouldn’t expect our kids to do their best and work hard, but the key is their best, not someone else’s idea of what is best.”

Maybe another woman’s plate is bigger or she can juggle more — or maybe it’s smaller, says Natalie Rickerson, founder and owner of two parenting resource websites, Knoxville Moms and Chattanooga Moms. “The best you can do is manage what you can at the best of your ability,” she says.

And, Rickerson says, understand that some seasons will be tougher than others.

Put down your phone and pick up a book, a real, hard copy book. “Take some time to get lost in a story, and let your children and partner see you reading: it will inspire them to do the same,” says Crystal Duffy, and author and a teacher who is based in Houston and has three daughters.

As women, we need to protect our magic and protect our souls, Duffy says. “By that, I mean to be careful with who you surround yourself with. You need to be embraced by those people who value you, encourage you and build you up.”

“I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but I have a tendency to avoid photos if I don’t think I am looking my best,” says Siobhán Kratovil, mother of four, a lawyer and Dallas-based blogger who discusses parenting and legal questions on her blog, Lex Mater. “Do I seriously think one of my descendants a hundred years from now will come across a photo of me and think, ‘Man, her hair looked so frizzy that day. She really should have stayed out of the photo?’” So in 2020, Kratovil plans to stay in the photos.

While she loves volunteering at her child’s school, much of the work she’s done there has been behind the scenes. “My kids had no idea how much time I was dedicating to their school,” Kratovil says. “So this year, I’m going to be volunteering in the classroom.”

Kratovil had a friend tell her recently that she tends to sell herself short when she first meets someone. “To someone who asked what I did for a living, I would say, ‘I only work part-time, I’m really just a stay-at-home mom,’” Kratovil says. “If someone had more kids than me, I would say, ‘I only have four kids.’”

Today, whether she’s working 80 hours a week or 10 hours a week, she’s going to stand proud that she’s a lawyer. And being a stay-at-home mom is really hard work, as well as parenting four kids.

Sophia Bender-Koning, founder and CEO of OMA, and parent of one, says that while she loves grocery shopping and cooking, she’s started ordering Prime Now from Whole Foods. “This means I actually have time to cook dinner and prep my daughter’s lunches,” she says.

“It’s not my job as a woman to make sure everyone feels comfortable all the time,” says Aileen Kelly, COO and co-founder of Persistiny, and mother of two children in Los Angeles. “Awkward silence? Let someone else fill it.”

While Kelly loves infants, that’s by far her weakest parenting phase. “I have a 24-year-old and a 7-year-old, and still I can’t say I have found my super competent phase, but we are just better at handling some ages than others,” she says. And since she’s weirdly good at dealing with pre-teens, she always volunteers for the junior-high field trips.

If her schedule looks like two people would have trouble doing everything that needs to get done, Kelly deletes emails requesting volunteers before she even opens them. “If I am frazzled and late and stressed out, I am not going to be helpful,” she says.

As women, we are socialized to try and be perfect at everything, says Viktoria Altman, mother of two, homeschool blogger and entrepreneur with GetBrainybox.com, based in New York. “Perfect mom, perfect entrepreneur, perfect friend, perfect wife — and it gets you nowhere,” Altman says. “Letting go of perfection, accepting that you are not going to be an ideal everything gives you an opportunity to set priorities.”

About not being able to do it all, says Heidi McBain, Flower Mound, Texas-based owner of an online video counseling business.

Sometimes, you simply can’t be present and grounded all the time, McBain says.

“I worked for an incredible CEO who always used to say, ‘Be generous with people, but ruthless with time,’” says Kipp Jarecke-Cheng, chief communications officer at Publicis Health, a global healthcare communications network based in New York City, a blogger and contributing writer at Red Tricycle, and New Jersey-based father of two kids. “What he meant was that people should be genuinely engaged with each other, but also know when and how to manage time effectively.”

As a parent, it’s easy to fall into the trap of saying yes to everything, either at work or at home. In 2020, Jarecke-Cheng is hoping to apply greater discipline when it comes to saying “no.”

The reverse of this is to assume positive intent. “As parents, we have a lot of demands placed upon us, from work and from home,” Jarecke-Cheng says. Sometimes it can feel as if there are forces conspiring against us to make finding work-life balance especially difficult. “In the new year, I’m going to stop assuming that my colleagues or my family are working to make things harder for me, and assume that they are good intentions in their demands. I will work to be more open-minded about others’ intentions,” he says.

As a recovering self-described workaholic, Jarecke-Cheng is going to take more vacations in 2020, and stop feeling guilty about not always being on call for work. “Also, I hope to model better behavior for my work colleagues and for my family by turning off work in a more deliberate and thoughtful way, and be more present with my family when it matters most,” he says.

When it comes to missing work for appointments, says Charissa West, a teacher and parenting blogger and mom of four. “Unless your boss asks for specifics, I think it’s fine to just say you have an appointment,” she says.

Keep [your to-do list] at no more than three essential tasks per day.

Having a work/life balance is something that may change from week-to-week, depending on our schedules and what is happening around us, says Holly Connors, mother of two daughters from Australia, psychologist and blogger at Simplifycreateinspire.com. “It feels like for many women, we put so much pressure on ourselves to find balance that we lose sight of what is actually important — it gives us a feeling of failure when we perceive we have not met that perfect balance with our time.”

Use your time effectively by identifying the essential tasks you need to get done each day, rather than loading up on a massive to-do list, Connors says. Keep it at no more than three essential tasks per day, and aim to complete those first. Anything else you finish is a bonus.

Women have always known (and the rest of the world is slowly catching on) that we are capable, qualified, and deserving of all things professionally and personally. Don't stifle your greatness just because that's what society encourages and wants us to do, says Raquel Wilson, founder and CEO of Peachtree VA, biological mother of two, and foster mother of more children.

“You are kind, compassionate, strong, funny, brave and smart,” Wilson says. “Don't curb those things because you're worried about how people will perceive you. People should — and will — like you for you. The rest of the people don't matter.”

In our professional and personal lives, women are groomed to be caretakers. To say "yes" to everyone else. It's time we start embracing the word "no" (and saying it like we mean it), Wilson says. When you say no to others, it creates space for you to say yes to things that make you happy.

"Detachment" is my best friend's word of the year, Wilson says. It sounds savage — because it is. “Women need to learn how to identify opportunities to detach, and then embrace the hell out of detaching from those toxic people, environment, conversations, and emotions,” she says. “Don't own what should be owned by other people. Reject their efforts when others try to bury you under their toxicity.”

“I am the founder and CEO of a virtual assistant company which means I could literally find a reason to be engaged in a screen at all hours of the day,” Wilson says. “I have to be mindful to put the technology down and end my workday once my kids are home so that I can invest my time and energy into my relationship with them.”

“My husband and I are not perfect parents and we struggle daily with questions such as, ‘Are we doing enough?’” Wilson says. “One thing I feel confident about is that we are not afraid to have hard or uncomfortable conversations with our kids.” They regularly discuss social injustice, gun violence, body awareness, black excellence, and white privilege, amongst other important topics with their young children.

Women need to learn how to identify opportunities to detach.

We should all want our children to grow into competent, well-rounded adults. One way to encourage their emotional growth is to expose them to experiences and people who look and live differently than them on a regular basis, Wilson says. Volunteerism is a great way to do this, engaging in authentic relationships with those who are different from you is even better.

“Instead, I’m going to say that I’m choosing to spend my money differently,” says Heather Osgood, California-based founder of True Native Media and mom of three. “By cutting this negative self-talk out of your life, you open up yourself to greater abundance.”

It's not productive and harms our ability to move forward in our families and lives. “Give yourself some grace, we're all doing our best,” Osgood says.

“I'm going to be focusing on my area of genius and working to cultivate the areas of my life that I love and bring me joy while delegating tasks that I hate to someone else,” Osgood says.

Somewhere along the way, the culture of micromanaging our kids’ lives became a way to parent, says Alexia Carillo, former STEM outreach educator and mom of one. Not only does this stress us out as parents, but it also removes the opportunity for kids to make their own decisions, including mistakes that they can learn from.

There is a ton of information out there about how terrible screen time is but in moderation, there is actually a lot of valuable content for kids to learn, Carillo says. “Shows, like the ones on PBS Kids, are full of information to teach them about sharing, numbers, and more. When you don’t have time to teach them everything they need to know, it’s OK to let these shows help you out a bit.”

No one wins, and it leads to meltdowns, says Dana Baker-Williams, a parent coach and mom of two.

Your kids can make their own beds, put dishes away, clean their rooms and put toys in their bins, Baker-Williams says. “If they are teens, they can do pretty much everything for themselves. And if they can’t, you’d better teach them how.”

“Monkey see, monkey do,” Baker-Williams says.

They will soon stop telling you anything, she says.

Delegate. “You are not the only capable person in your family,” Baker-Williams says.

It’s easy to feel the pressure of obligation, the burden of everyone else’s expectations, says Lisa Duerre, CEO and founder of RLD Group, based in Silicon Valley, and mother of one. “Start being more judicious with who and what you say ‘yes’ to moving forward,” Duerre says.

No one is a mind reader, so stop expecting them to read yours, Duerre says.

“This allows you to set a healthy mindset before the troubles of the work infect a great day,” Duerre says

Instead, create a plan to get better results, she says.

Go to counseling. Find an experienced couch with whom you can share your feelings with, and know they’ll give you a great perspective and even better advice, Duerre says.

When you wake up, get up and start your day, Duerre says.

Women represent nearly half the workforce, yet a stigma remains around being a working mom, says Elizabeth Harz, mom of two and CEO of Sittercity. “One thing women can do in 2020 is to start being vocal about motherhood at work, from the joys to the struggles,” Harz says. “Because let’s face it, the mom hat never really comes off — not in that meeting, that call, or that office happy hour.”

“I believe that you have to consciously cultivate confidence-building by trying things that are outside of your comfort zone all the time,” says Georgene Huang, Fairygodboss CEO, co-founder, and NYC-based mother of three. “The more time you spend outside your comfort zone, the more used to that discomfort you will become.” As a result you will end up feeling more confident over time and be less likely to experience imposter syndrome.

“I’m demonstrating so many skills to my son,” says Robyn O’Brien, CEO of Robyn O’Brien Photography, and mother to a 4-year-old.

O’Brien says she puts her son’s school productions first, as she’s here to support him.

“Self care is so important to maintaining a work-life balance,” O’Brien says.

As a counselor who works with loads of parents every year, Kristen Brunner, mother of two and a maternal mental health and relationship counselor based in Austin, finds that social media usually gives one side of the parenting story, a very polished, filtered, curated side of the story. “Almost all mothers feel like they could be doing better in some areas, and worry that they are screwing up big time,” Brunner says. “If a parent is going to scroll through their social media feed, I encourage them to look for the backstory behind the photos and stories, look for the tantrums and the messy kitchens — because they are there, lurking in the background.”

The word is out that kids are noticing how much their parents are occupied by their phones, and they aren’t liking it, Brunner says. Yes, our kids don’t want to get off their tablets but we aren’t much better with our phones, she says. “I encourage clients to designate segments of the day for the entire family that are ‘screen free,’” Brunner says. “This will give you and your kids to connect without distraction.”

There are a plethora of books, experts and websites we can consult whenever we have a parenting-related dilemma or question, Brunner says. “This is amazing: we don’t have to figure out this parenting thing on our own,” she says. “The flip side is that people aren’t pausing to check in with their own gut or their instincts about what they think is causing their child’s sleep regression or what they believe will help their child to feel less anxious about pre-school.”

I over-commit to things to avoid being a disappointment... Meanwhile, I’ve slipped further and further behind on my own goals.

“I strongly believe that our kids will naturally gravitate toward more healthy, nutrition-dense foods if we give them the time and space to do so,” Brunner says. “When we force out kids to eat their vegetables or clean their plate or skip snacks (even when they are starving), we are discouraging them from tuning into their own hunger cues and inner eating wisdom.” We put sweets on a pedestal and tell our kids that they can only have them after they have eaten their asparagus. Suddenly asparagus is the villain. Try taking foods out of the good and bad categories.

So many of my clients report that their relationship has really struggled after they have had kids, Brunner says. Babies and children require a lot of time and energy, which subtracts from the time that used to be reserved for a partner. “I encourage couples to carve out time for their relationship every week,” she says. “This might mean watching a few Netflix episodes on the sofa, or cooking a meal together or putting the phones and laptops aside to enjoy baby’s bath time and bedtime as a couple. I tell couples: your relationship came before your children, and hopefully it will remain long after the kids leave, so give it the time and energy that it deserves.”

The vast majority of her clients are immensely critical of their parenting abilities, Brunner says. “They are swimming in guilt and shame about things they feel like they could be doing better,” she says. “The truth is that we’re all figuring this out as we go and that none of us are getting it perfect.”

“I hear my clients complain about the emotional labor or mental load that they carry in their home,” Brunner says. “I hear from mothers who feel like they are doing everything, keeping track of everything, without a lot of help from their partner. I encourage parenting couples to schedule weekly team meetings and check in with each other about how things are going.”

“Constantly overanalyzing every choice wears you down, and is a vicious cycle that destroys the happiness of parenting,” says McKinzie Bean, creator, entrepreneur and Utah-based mother of two.

Stop saying “yes” to every request, and be OK with not overcommitting your time to allow for necessary rest and rejuvenation,” says Alexandra Fung, mother of three and CEO of Upparent.

Everyone is trying to do her best, but best is not a universal term, says Heather Vreeland, mother of one in St. Augustine, and creator of The Hope Planner. “We all have different goals, gifts, issues and dreams,” Vreeland says. “The scale in which you measure the quality of your life on has to be something you’ve determined for yourself, not the one your neighbor or Instagram Influencer is using.”

You’re not Wonder Woman, says Jade MacRury, mother of one and founder at Live A Blissful Life in Scotland. “You don’t have to do it all,” she says. “It’s OK to ask for help. You and everyone around you will be all the better for it.”

"If M. does something that bothers me, I'm going to say something right away instead of sitting on it," says Camille Kim, an editor and mother, "which just makes it worse."

“I want to look and feel good for me,” says Essence Hayes, president and founder of The Savvy VA, and New York-based mother of one. “I want to realize my goal while being a mom, because it doesn’t stop here and my life isn’t over.”

For being a working mom, for your kids screaming in the background on a 7 p.m. call, for having to leave early because your kid is sick, for saying ‘no’ when a call does not work with your family’s schedule, says Marnie Nathanson, founder and chief creative officer with The Social Status Co. in New Jersey.

“As a first-time mom, I joined a lot of new mom groups on Facebook looking for advice,” says Brittany Kline, a personal finance expert and CEO of The Savvy Couple and mother of one in Rochester, New York. “This has actually turned out to backfire, and I just need to trust my gut as a mom.”

“We are here to support them, but not to mold them into what we want them to be,” says Meredith Atwood, mom of two tweens in Boston, host of The Same 24 Hours podcast and author of The Triathlon for the Every Woman.

“I’ve already taken the first step by recognizing I have an addition to these two social media apps,” says Edna Ma, an anesthesiologist, entrepreneur and mother of two. “But I have taken the additional step of downloading my public library’s digital book app. This way, when I feel the itch to scroll, I open up the free book app and read and book rather than posts.”

“I vow to stop putting off the things I want to do for me, and make myself and my personal goals a priority,” says Heather Vickery, success and leadership coach with Vickery and Co. These include learning a second language.

“I encourage self-love and self-care to my clients, yet I don’t practice what I preach,” says Michelina Windham, master esthetician with Be Luminous Skin Studio & Acne Clinic.

Kaya Marriott, the lifestyle blogger behind Comfy Girl with Curls, says she has a history of putting others first. “I over-commit to things to avoid being a disappointment,” she says. “Meanwhile, I’ve slipped further and further behind on my own goals.”

“When you are in the midst of overeating, you can get in the habit of asking yourself this one simple question: ‘Is it my body that is hungry or my soul?’” says Bracha Goetz, author of 38 children’s books.

Women often have guilt about what they should be doing. “Who is deciding what is right for our unique situations to the point that we feel guilt?” asked Amber Bracegirdle, co-founder of Mediavine and mother of two in San Antonio.

I was once told by a woman who I respected in my industry that as a woman, you should never bake for the office.

“My father passed away this year, and I found myself explaining why I was bowing out or taking time for myself far too often, and I finally realized that there is simply no need to explain myself anymore,” Bracegirdle says. “I’m not going to be rude, but I'm also not going to bend over backwards to try and bend my life around other people and what they think I should do or how I should behave.”

Elsie Koh, an interventional radiologist and Proctor Gallager consultant, says she’s going to stop taking on so much in her daily medical practice so she can devote more time to new endeavors.

“Seek help in following your dreams and creating an action plan to do more of what you love and less of what you don’t,” Koh says.

It’s time to move forward to what you want in your life, whether that’s a vacation, a new career, a new partner or any other dream, Koh says. “Stop saying you can’t move forward because you don’t have the time, the money, someone to watch your kids, your pets or you don’t have someone else’s agreement or cooperation.”

“I was once told by a woman who I respected in my industry that as a woman, you should never bake for the office,” says Felicity Pickering, an LA-based writer and director. “While it can be appealing to bake so you are seen as nice or the mom of the office, it can also blur office boundaries.” This sets a precedent that you have to care for the office.

“Growing up in society taught me to value myself differently from men, and a wage gap reflects this,” says Amelia Roberts, partnership developer with Solutions by Amelia.

“Sometimes I find myself not getting the same opportunities as men and my partner will ask, ‘Did you ask about it?’ says Ciara Hautau, lead digital marketing strategist with Fueled. “I tend to find I'm biting my tongue in fear of my manager saying no or scared of what they'll say. This year I'm going to stop biting my tongue and start speaking up and asking the uncomfortable questions.”

"If I don’t have time to fold and put away the laundry, then I'm going to leave them in the dryer until I do," says Romper lifestyle editor Samantha Darby. "Otherwise they’re just piled somewhere else, making my life more difficult."

As a work-from-home mother of two, Darby finds career, domestic work, and home life constantly competing for counter space. "I try to do things like vacuum while Lucy’s in her high chair, and then become irrationally angry when she won’t keep sitting there so I can finish," says Darby. "Why did I start? Why not just wait until I had a full 15 min to do it?"

“There are so many meal delivery services no that why should I?” asked Samm Pryce, who has a degree in naturopathy, and is a mother. “This would allow me more time with my family, and take some of the pressure of actually cooking off of me — and even more so the idea of having to come up with ‘What is for dinner?’ every night.”

This disturbs the work-life balance and doesn’t teach my child about balance either, Pryce says.

"I often look at other moms and see them going on class field trips and bringing in handmade teacher appreciation gifts and think that I am a loser, but honestly, my child is clean, gets to school on time, gets picked up and has his homework done,” Pryce says. “This is winning to me, and I am going to accept that being a super school parent is just not my ministry or calling.”

About how much more work we have, says Raquel Boyes, blogger with Pretty Easy Life. “There are several ways to change this picture,” she says. Instead, find solutions for this. Outsourcing is a great idea, Boyes says.

Every time we’re taking pictures, we’re missing what is happening in the real moment, Boyes says.

The issue is always just to make do with less, says Romper news editor Kaitlin Kimont. "One newer thing H. and I have been trying is meal prepping based on what's in our pantry or freezer to avoid food waste and save money." You can stop putting so much energy into fashion and meal planning, and instead just leave some of those decisions to what's already in your house.

“There are too many instances in my life where I stopped myself from dreaming and believing in myself,” says Debbie Savage, blog editor of To Thine Own Style Be True. “I let my perceived weakness and lack of something stop me from pursuing what I didn’t think was possible for me.”

Instead, nourish your potential, Savage says.

“I am a single mom and have been for years, and finally the kids are older so it’s time to take care of me,” says Becky McKeown, a registered nurse.

“The very tangible example for me is I’m going full throttle into publishing my first book,” says Kat Courtney, founder of AfterLife Coaching. “It’s been a dream for almost 40 years to use my ability to communicate through the written word, and I’ve feared the potency and change this could bring about, so I’ve avoided confronting my destiny until just recently. I have promised myself that we are no longer hiding.”

“Recognize that although I might want to do all the things, it’s just not practical, and I risk spreading myself too thin, which negatively affects me, my family and my clients,” says Renee Boddie, certified professional life and leadership coach based in Centennial, Colorado.

Stop thinking that no one wants to hear what you have to say, Boddie says. “Even if the topic has been discussed at length before, everyone has a story, and your perspective might just resonate with someone in a different way that really impacts their lives.”

“I have a crazy schedule, and it is often very difficult to find time for traveling,” says Lina Velikova, a clinical doctor. “However, I need to recharge my batteries in order to have more energy for my family, and still be productive at work.”

Being surrounded by technology and electronics drains our energy, and we need some time away from the screen, Velikova says. “Also, we spend less time self-reflecting, which can seriously impact our decisions.”

“Due to a busy schedule, I’ve realized how much processed food I’ve been eating, which has impacted my health,” says Tony Arevalo from Carsurance, who has been running a business for several years.

Working millennial moms typically work more hours than the average young employee, but they also spend about twice the time fathers do on childcare and household maintenance, says Christine Carter, a global marketing thought leader and a working mother. “The most important benefit a mom should pursue through their company today would be the ability to telecommute. Eliminating commuting time would give some of these moms nearly an extra hour of their day back.”

“Yes, there are places I cannot reach without a car, but I have noticed that I sometimes drive to the store in my neighborhood,” says Harsha Reddy, co-founder and editor-in-chief of Small Biz Genius. “Physical activity has always been an important part of my life, and I want to spend more time walking and jogging.”

Madilyn Beckman, of Circle Optics in Rochester, New York, says it’s time to figure out lifetime goals. “While I know what I like to learn about, interact with and what environment I thrive in, I have no idea what an end goal would be,” she says. “Having just finished my master's, I realized I had made a high valued niche for myself, and opportunities are flowing in; now, I need to figure out what to do with them.”