The Worst Questions To Ask Someone After Birth

I know that not everyone goes for an unmedicated birth, but I’m pretty sure whenever anyone’s labor begins, you feel at least some pain. I remember asking my first mom friend how bad the pain was, only because I was terrified how it would be for me. She said it was just fine, but I’m pretty sure she was just lying because childbirth is exactly as Lorelai Gilmore describes it: akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.

Oh, I didn’t know you were so interested in what I’ll be doing with my boobs for the next few months! No, but seriously: I hated this question each and every time, because I knew some form of judgement would often come behind it. The only person who needs to know about this is my baby because that’s who I’m feeding.

I’m guilty of having used this phrase for a while, before I knew much about how diverse the parenting experience truly is. I know sometimes folks are curious about whether you had a vaginal delivery, opted for pain meds, had a c-section, but maybe wait a little while before asking. Or, you know, wait for your friend to volunteer the info.

If I just announced my baby’s birth, I’m going to say at least six months from now. For real, though. Sure, some parents are totally welcoming of getting 2,348 guests to their hospital suite. But others, like myself, are more concerned with the amount of germs those 2,348 guests will bring to my baby whose immune system sucks for the first few months.

Another totally invasive question. Do you randomly walk up to people and ask them if they have a circumcised penis? No? Then why do we ask parents about this?

The friend(s) who ask about breastfeeding will probably ask them about pacifier use. See, many people will tell you that giving a baby a pacifier will cause nipple confusion and then they won’t nurse. But you know what? My baby had a pacifier and nursed beautifully. So, you know, don’t ask.

Is my baby healthy? Are they thriving? Yes? OK, that’s all that matters. While I know there are sometimes somewhat valid (but still totally misguided) reasons for having gender disappointment, once your baby is born, any of that nonsense should go right out the window.

Depending on the phrasing used, this could mean different things. Some folks will expect you to be stay-at-home moms and will say, “Of course you’re going to stay home with the baby, right?” Ones who are afraid you’ll ruin your career will spin this as, “But you’re going to work again eventually, right?” Honestly, none of your business.

Related to the above, some will worry that you’ll cut your maternity leave short. They’ll give you a concerned look and try to nudge you into saying you’ll be taking the full three months (or longer). But really, you don’t need to answer this.

Hmm, so you’re going to come cook for me and my family daily, right? Because that’s the only reason you should be asking this. Yes, I had lofty dreams of eventually making my son all organic purees and such. And then I had a sick baby and birth injuries and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and realized my sanity was more important than making perfect meals all the time.

Also not anyone’s business. But for some reason folks love to ask about your postpartum body. To them I say, wait until you have one. And if they’re set on being child-free, then I can simply say, “Then it’s not really relevant to you, is it?”