If You Have A Toxic Dad, You'll Recognize These 11 Signs Right Away

Does it feel like you’ll never measure up to your father’s demands? “When someone consistently and intentionally makes you feel less than, not worthy, and disrespects you and your life, it is a toxic relationship,” says Hall. It’s about discerning the intention behind their comments. There’s a difference between expressing a genuine concern for your well-being and simply bashing every choice you make.

There are plenty of healthy ways to address conflict, and the silent treatment is not one of them. When you think of the fight or flight response, the silent treatment is an example of flight, according to Alexis Auleta, LCSW, individual, couples, and family therapist. “While many silent types use silence to protect themselves emotionally, there are those who use silence to manipulate and punish others,” she tells Romper. “It’s important to know the difference.” Those who are consciously weaponizing silence as a punishment do so to hurt you. “Silence is used to psychologically control, punish and manipulate others,” notes Auleta.

Out-of-control threats are not only the sign of a toxic father, but they are also ineffective. In fact, constant threats may cause older kids to pursue disruptive behaviors, Auleta explains. “Verbal abuse, threats, and retaliation are some of the ways a toxic parent attempts to control and manipulate a child. This is especially true as a child gets older and seeks to gain more independence. When the parent/child power dynamic is threatened, a toxic parent will use tactics such as threats and consequences to maintain control … Over time, [the child] may be left feelings of powerlessness at home, making her more prone to participate in higher risk behavior outside of it.”

Does your father seem to turn into a different (meaner) person after drinking? As it turns out, alcohol abuse is one of the potential signs of a toxic parent. Issues around substance misuse can certainly affect a person’s ability to parent, and this can turn into a cycle of substance abuse when the child grows up. “Some children of toxic parents develop maladaptive coping skills in order to survive their childhoods,” Auleta says. “As kids get older, they might engage in high risk behaviors in an attempt to escape the stressors they are experiencing or to simply rebel against a controlling parent. For some, this is where addiction can start.”

Taking the regular steps toward adulthood should be celebrated. But in some cases, “the parent tries to keep the child dependent on them even when the child is an adult or becoming an adult,” says Campbell. In reality, growing up and maturing is simply natural.

“A toxic parent will attempt to block the natural progression of dependence to independence,” notes Auleta. “They will encourage and even demand that their child remain dependent upon them in order to maintain control and dominance.”

Sure, anger can get the best of everyone now and then. But a toxic person may regularly experience violent outbursts and then blame you for the reaction, Auleta tells Romper. “It’s often a way for toxic people to both maintain control in relationships as well as protect the image they have of themselves as good people,” she explains. “‘It’s because of you that I screamed at the kids.’ ‘If only you had done what I said, this wouldn’t have happened,’” Auleta offers. This kind of a bad temper is totally destructive.

Ideally, a parent’s love is unconditional. But in a more toxic scenario, “the parent only shows approval or love when the child conforms to who the parent wants them to be,” says Campbell. There’s no space to just be yourself.

Love can be earned and also quickly taken away. “Conditional love is about manipulating and controlling others by taking advantage of their longing for your acceptance, praise, and approval,” says Auleta. “When a parent uses conditional love, they are teaching their children that love isn’t always available to them.”

Did you have to walk on eggshells growing up? If your father used fear as a manipulation tactic, then this is almost certainly a sign of toxic parenting. “A ‘walking on eggshells’ home environment is full of fear and tension for children. In an effort to avoid verbal, psychological, or sometimes physical abuse, a child will begin to learn what triggers their parent and what doesn't …​​ This can often lead to a hyper-vigilant state for children, which carries well into adulthood and can negatively impact their relationships in the future,” Auleta says. Remember, fear does not equal love or respect.

As far as narcissists are concerned, they're the center of the world. So, of course, Campbell notes that parents with narcissistic tendencies can be toxic as well. Even after reaching adulthood, you may feel like your father's needs are larger than life — and far more important than your own.

Auleta tells Romper that some narcissistic traits a toxic father might display include dominating the conversation, excessive or neglectful communication (like too many or too few calls or texts), blaming others for their behavior, making you second guess your decisions or criticizing your choices, or love bombing after being verbally, psychologically, or emotionally abusive.

Speaking of unchecked narcissistic traits, narcissistic fathers who are aloof and removed from their children probably did not provide the warmth and care needed by kids. It's potentially damaging. “If this happens consistently over time, a child learns that he can’t rely on that parent for warmth, connection, protection, and love,” says Auleta. “The attachment between parent and child becomes insecure and unstable because consistent care and love is lacking.” Often this is a result of the parent themself having experienced these behaviors in their parents, and they are now continuing the generational cycle.

Did your dad monitor and manipulate your every move? Overly controlling parents may lead to kids with higher levels of depression and dissatisfaction, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies. If this sounds all too familiar, you may want to seek counseling for support.