What Being A Foster Parent Is Actually Like

One of the most frustrating things about being a foster parent isn't the extra laundry or extra paperwork or complicated dealings with child protective services. The most annoying thing a foster parent can hear is that you couldn't be a foster parent because you don't think you're "strong enough," and that it would be too hard to say goodbye. That is a harsh reality of foster parenting, but being a foster parent doesn't take supernatural powers.

Saying that you're not brave enough to be a foster parent also diminishes what you have to offer. You are brave enough, and many children across the country need your bravery. When we handed over Baby J, whom we'd had in our home for two months, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Packing away the baby gear for another day was hard. However, we can do hard things, and I wouldn't undo a single moment of those two months with her.

In the first week we had what we thought was a temporary foster baby, all hell broke loose on her case. Every expectation we had when we took the initial call asking if we would take a 5-month-old baby girl went out the window. What I thought was a short-term foster turned into bringing her for a DNA test, meeting with her guardian ad litems, various meetings with CPS caseworkers and visits to the doctor because, at 5 months old, she hadn't seen a doctor since birth.

Being a foster parent does take extra time and energy. It takes a certain flexibility of schedule, and extra patience as you're often dealing with state run systems that aren't as efficient as those in comfortable middle-class situations would choose to pay for. But it's not certainly not rocket science. You'll quickly learn the terminology, systems, and important figures in your foster child's case and start to head off potential problems before they even occur.

There is paperwork. Sometimes there's a lot of paperwork. Sometimes, in the case of our daughter, who was a foster-to-adopt situation with parents who had relinquished their rights at birth, there was hardly any paperwork.

I'm not naturally organized with paperwork, so this was a learning curve for me. Find a binder and a safe spot for it, and keep everything related to your foster child in that binder. Make copies of everything and write down details that might be relevant to their case later.

Even when lawyers, caseworkers, and guardians are predicting the way a case will turn, get ready for the unpredictable. We once had a caseworker tell us they thought one of our foster babies would be one of the fastest CPS adoptions they'd ever seen. Two weeks later, a judge ordered the child be turned over to a family member.

Even foster placements are unpredictable; we probably received about ten phone calls about children who simply never materialized, before we had our first foster arrive at our door. It's best not to change your schedule or run around preparing until your caseworker says they are en route with the child.

Caseworkers with child protective services get a bad rap. Sometimes it's deserving (we've seen that, too), but other times it's definitely not.

I'll never forget one of our foster kids' caseworkers, Polly. She called me at late on a Friday night to apologize that she wouldn't be able to make it over to bring paperwork for us to sign that evening. She had been up all night the previous evening, getting ready for court the next day and at 7 p.m. on a Friday night, she still had another, more dire visit to make before heading home. So instead, she came on a Saturday afternoon. When I asked her about her long hours, she said, "Well, I wouldn't do it if I didn't love it."

Not everyone in your life will understand what it is you've taken on, what daily life looks like, and how important it is to you and your family. In fact, I'd argue that unless you've had a direct experience with foster care — either as a foster parent or the child of foster parents or as a foster child yourself — you can't quite understand what it's like to live on the emotional roller coaster on a daily basis.

Nearly every foster child who has arrived in our home has come with the clothes on their back, a few bottles of soured formula, and a handful of outfits they've long outgrown. Some agencies provide a stipend for initial clothing, or daily for the child's expenses, but others don't.

We've worked with a private agency that doesn't pay foster families, but does help as much as possible to provide formula or clothing donated by families who care about foster care but might not be in a position to foster. My favorite trick is to find a thrift store in a fancy neighborhood (they have the best stuff!) and stock up on basics as soon as possible.

You can't show your foster child's face on social media. You'll get really clever in cropping their faces out of photos or sharing sweet photos of their feet or hands. Those annoying stickers in certain apps, in my opinion, come in awfully handy.

At least without express permission. Time to get your foster child used to the idea of a man bun, my friends.

Respite care, rescue foster, guardian ad litem, family based services, permanency goals; they're all part of the foster care vocabulary you'll start learning when you become a foster parent. Your first case will likely be an enormous learning curve in the way the system actually works, rather than what you've heard about the system. It's complicated and nuanced, but you'll get the hang of it quickly.

Little known fact: some agencies do provide daily stipends for foster children, but some don't. It's best not to assume that foster parents are fostering for the financial benefit because, even if their agency provides a stipend, it sure isn't making anyone their millions. Trust me.