12 Crazy Things I Did In My New-Mom Haze

I am actually surprised I didn't open the door without a shirt on more often, considering how much time I spent topless during my babies' first few weeks. There's nothing like waving at your mail carrier from the doorway and realizing your shirt is undone. Maybe he was too distracted by the baby to notice my nipples hanging out? One can only hope.

When my daughter was about 3 weeks old, I ran out to the car to grab something only to realize I had locked myself out of the house (for the record, I did have a top on this time). My husband was at work, I had left my cell on the coffee table, and the spare key wasn't in it's hiding place. So, I did what any badass new mom would do, climbed onto the patio table, and then climbed through the unlocked kitchen window. Fortunately, no one called the cops and my baby slept through the whole ordeal.

There's nothing more demoralizing than feeling like a rock star mom, because you actually remembered to set up auto brew on your coffee maker the night before, only to discover you forgot to put coffee in the filter and have nothing but a pot of hot, slightly brown water waiting for you in the morning.

I have picked so many fights with my husband when I've been in that new-mom haze. The most hilarious arguments was the fight we had about who had enjoyed the most sleep the night before. Of course, once we realized how silly it was, we laughed about it.

However, I still maintain that he got at least an hour or two more than me, not that I'm keeping score or anything.

I was breastfeeding my son in our second floor bedroom when I realized that our neighbor was on his roof fixing some shingles, and had a clear view of my topless body. I flushed with embarrassment, but in my sleep-deprived haze, nonchalantly waved and said, "Hi."

After my second child was born, I power pumped in the early morning to try to boost my supply. One time, in my new mom haze, I poured milk from one bottle to the other over my bathroom sink and then, inexplicably and for absolutely no reason, poured the entire bottle of milk down the drain. It was devastating, you guys, and that devastation was made even more intense by my lack of sleep. I cried until my son woke up to eat, then I cried some more.

My partner and I use cloth diapers, which means it's not always obvious if a diaper has been peed on or not. I have, in a sleep-deprived stupor, put a dirty diaper right back on my baby's cute little bottom.

It's a joke in our house that I shouldn't be allowed to eat or drink things outside of the kitchen. I've spilled stuff on every single one of my babies, so you would think that I would learn (or at least use a tarp to protect the baby). Yeah, not so much. So far in the past few weeks, I have fallen asleep and spilled the following things on myself and my baby: a full liter of sparkling water, a beer (twice), a bottle of formula without a nipple screwed on, a glass of wine (at least it was white), and a full can of soda. The struggle is real.

When you are sleep deprived, you can accidentally eat some pretty gross things. Formula can look like coffee creamer, a smear of poop on your hand can look like mustard, and you don't always take time to notice the yogurt you are eating expired some time last year.

Then, there was the time that I parked in the driveway and my driver's side door froze shut. I put the baby in her car seat and tried to open the driver's side door. I pulled and pulled, but it wouldn't budge, until it did and smacked me in the eye. I didn't realize how bad it was until we got to the grocery store and I saw my reflection in the freezer case. That totally explained all of the strange looks I was getting.

When my first baby was a newborn, I was drinking a beer (don't judge me), while I was feeding her a bottle. In my new-mom haze, I totally tried to give her the wrong bottle, and spilled beer all over her, again.

I think I made the UPS guy's day a few days after my youngest was born, when I accidentally answered the door in just my nursing bra. I was a bit embarrassed (mostly because he was embarrassed), but honestly, after being a mom for almost eight years, I couldn't really care less about those sorts of things. That's a good thing, in my opinion and considering embarrassing moments they are pretty much par for the course, these days.

On the plus side, the UPS guy used to leave packages in our driveway, but now he always comes to the door. Score.