12 Hard Questions All New Moms Must Ask Other Parents About, Because Google Doesn't Know Everything

I am only beginning to understand the perils that accompany potty training, yet I've cleaned up enough urine to list it as a qualification on my resume and my kid has still yet to conquer the commode. I need all the help, secrets, and voodoo that I can get.

Look, I know that the first rule of Fight Club is to not talk about Fight Club but my face is in jeopardy here. Most children lack the ability to use their words, and often resort to using their fists, heads, and bodies to express their emotional turmoil. And while the uppercut on my 2-year-old is most impressive for someone of his stature (and it reassures me of his safety in dark daycare allies), it is not OK to use his tiny fists as negotiating tools in real life. While I'm aware that this is a phase, I really need to know how long this said "phase" lasts so I can relinquish the use of my bicycle helmet inside.

At what age do children suddenly develop pallets that resemble that of Anthony Bourdain and opinions that rival Michael Moore? Um, just yesterday carrots were the bomb-dot-com but today they're reason enough to file emancipation papers? What gives, kids?

Some kids seem to know their ABC's immediately after being born, some are too shy to recite such songs, and some quote Samuel L. Jackson to their great grandparents during lunch. I'm not sure that my grandmother understood my son's "Hold on to your butts" reference, but I was quite impressed with his Jurassic Park knowledge. Anyway, I just need to know where every other kid on the planet is at in their language development so I can know how terrified or smug to be according to where my kid falls. Is that so much to ask?

To school or not to school, and how exactly one should carry out such schooling, is the question. We all want the best education possible for our minis, but the education system in America is, um, confused. We've got options, and we're willing to explore them all before we send our kids to some snack shack on the corner that repeatedly plays Back To The Future as a means to teach life lessons (no offense, Michael Fox).

Each morning, they're perfect, heavenly angels that prompt thoughts of sugar plums and ovulation, but by night, they're reason for binge drinking and contemplation of procuring a hasty tubal ligation. As if convincing a man to put down the toilet seat wasn't torturous enough, now we have to negotiate with tiny terrorists with no concept of reasonable demands about Cheerios and fruit snacks. At some point, it becomes essential to ask other moms to weigh in on your kid's insane mood swings, if only to reassure you that it is, in fact, normal to hide in your bathroom for half an hour at a time.

Cry it out or rock it out? Scheduled naps or spontaneous narcosis? Co-sleeping or independent sleeping? Most parents know that sleep is actually the key to eternal life, everlasting happiness, or just sane people in general. Little value is placed in sleep until it's presence is absent, then all hell breaks loose when it doesn't show up for roll call. Whether by parental tactics or resentful submission, all kids sleep eventually, even if it's just long enough for mom and dad to brush their teeth, and honestly, I'm not sure how any parent in the history of the world figured out how to get their kid to sleep (and how to get sleep themselves) without asking every other parent they could gain access to.

Because tantrums and poop.

We've all heard the urban legends about getting pregnant while taking birth control, using a condom, via immaculate conception, yada yada yada — we need to know how to lock that sh*t down, like, for real. We love our kids but our maternal ambitions have been fulfilled for now. Are chastity belts still a thing?

It is said that being a mother is the hardest job you will ever love. True, but unless the electric company starts accepting finger-painted turkeys and open-mouthed baby kisses as an acceptable form of currency, actual bills still have to be paid with actual money. Unfortunately, staying at home and raising a family is far from a get-rich-quick scheme and working at home with kids is often counter-productive. If you've mastered mothering and making money all within the comfort of your yoga pants, please write a memoir.

Other versions of this question include "how do I go to work for the 15 hours I need to work today without my child thinking I've abandoned her?" and "is it possible to wear your baby while at the office?"

When you become a mom, you realize breastfeeding is an art. Suddenly our boobs are responsible for more than just filling out our shirts and provoking the unwanted attention of bar trolls. Now they're the holy grail of nutrition for our little ones and using them properly requires skills that aren't taught in Home Economics class. Breastfeeding doesn't always pan out though, and many women are left with bottle of formula and a shot of judgment from the world. Either way, what is and is not normal for everyone is different, but the need to feel normal and adequate as a mother is the same all the way around. And we kinda need to ask our mom friends how to deal with... all of it.

How do I put this lightly? Maternity leave in America is, well, a joke. What should be a time spent savoring every second of nurturing a newborn is often cut short due to the financial burdens that accompany unpaid maternity leave. Asking your parent friends everything from "what do I do with my newborn if I have to go back to work right away?" to "what are your companies' family leave policies?" to "is it normal that I'm really bored and can't wait to go back to work right now?" is something I'm not sure how we would survive without.

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