Life
What Every Pregnant Woman Does When She Thinks No One Is Looking
Sorry to call you out, ladies, but I know what you did last summer. Pregnancy is a strange and magical time, and it will have you doing strange and not so magical things (like peeing every time you sneeze). Although I think it's perfectly normal to be curious about your rapidly changing body, I also understand the desire to keep certain things under wraps. However, for the benefit of those who haven't experienced it, I thought I'd share some things every pregnant woman does when she thinks no one is looking.
Clearly, I'm no shrinking violet, but I definitely did stuff on the down-low during my pregnancy. First, it was stealth vomiting as I tried to keep my pregnancy hidden until I made it to the end of the first trimester mark. As physical changes to my body became more evident, I spent a great deal of time naked in front of the mirror. Later, I tried to mask my crippling chocolate milkshake addiction by destroying the evidence (pro tip: throw your cups directly into the dumpster rather than the kitchen garbage).
Yes, pregnant ladies do stuff on the sly, but for many of us, a lot of that modesty and embarrassment eventually goes right the window. Perhaps that's the greatest gift of pregnancy (besides, you know, the baby) — how it teaches you not to care what other people think.
She Takes A Pregnancy Test, Just To Make Sure
First, don't let anyone tell you it isn't fun to pee on a stick. It's so fun, you guys. And when you can get them in at the dollar store, you can have all the blue line fun you want. Plus, it provides mama with the reassurance that she really is pregnant after all.
She Gets Out A Hand Mirror
Don't lie. You know you want to know what's going on down there. This was especially true for me when I had a hemorrhoid the size of a dwarf planet. I mean, I just had to see that thing and hope my husband didn't walk in while I was sitting on my iPhone.
She Farts
Crude? Perhaps, but also true. Pregnancy can turn you into a gaseous anomaly, so if you're lucky enough to be able to control it, you'll probably try to find an empty room before you drop your air biscuit.
She Tries To Get The Baby To Move For Her Own Amusement
Once you've felt those first precious kicks, you can't get enough (unless you're trying to sleep, in which case they're pretty annoying, actually). However, there's nothing like being able to pass the time in a boring meeting by watching the movements of your own little alien. I will fully admit to chugging apple juice to get my baby bouncing for my own personal entertainment.
She Drinks A Cup Of Coffee
OK, so it's scientific fact that pregnant women can safely enjoy 200 milligrams of caffeine (the equivalent of a 12 ounce cup of joe) a day. Tell that to the pregnancy police, though. I'm talking about the judgmental people who make it impossible to enjoy that sweet cup of liquid happiness. So when I wanted to have my migraine-kicking Coke, I locked myself in my classroom.
She Practices Her Kegels
I'm doing them right now.
She Checks Out Her Reflection
I loved my baby bump, and I definitely wanted to know what it looked like to passersby. Any time a pregnant woman passes a mirror or a department store window, you can be pretty sure she's checking herself out.
She's basically a goddess, so she deserves to admire her glorious self.
She Uses Her Belly As A Shelf
Even celebrities like Carrie Underwood use their pregnant bellies as a tabletop for their snacks. I basically utilized mine as a repository for crumbs and a water bottle holder. Seriously, so convenient, but I definitely felt guilty any time someone caught me in the act.
She Sleeps During Movies
I used to get so mad at my husband for falling asleep at the movie theater. Who falls asleep during Gravity?! But pregnancy gave me early onset narcolepsy, and I could not stay awake. My husband left me in the dust on our Breaking Bad binge because I just couldn't hack it.
She Admires Her Boobs
Boobs, glorious boobs! For a charter member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee like myself, my newfound breasts were a gift from the gods. You better believe I gave myself the once over in mirror. I'll neither confirm nor deny that I bounced around just to see what would happen.
She Hoards Snacks
Hell hath no fury like a hangry pregnant woman. That's why you can be sure her pockets, purse, gym bag, and desk drawers are stuffed with snacks. Whether it's because she needs to ward off nausea with small and oh-so frequent meals, or because of the energy she's burning growing a human life, the lady needs to eat. So if you see her stuffing her bag with saltine crackers from the salad bar, be a dear and look the other way.
She Organizes All The Things
Nesting kicks in for a lot of pregnant women as their due date approaches. I must have folded tiny onesies and pants a half a dozen times. My maternity photography took pictures of all my themed baskets (breastfeeding, bath time, etc.) because she was so amused. It was really hard to explain to my partner that I was cleaning the drain "for the baby."
