'PAW Patrol' Has Made Me Question My Life Choices

Ryder could rival any corporate team leader in his ability to look at a problem and effortlessly decide who needs to handle each individual task. Honestly, I am quite impressed (and a little jealous).

Sadly, life isn't all good in Adventure Bay. Although they have a female mayor, as far as the dogs are concerned the patriarchy is alive and well. Of the team of six dogs, only one is female and she is depicted as much smaller than the male dogs, has less cool gadgets, and is dressed completely in pink. Due to audience pressure, the second series saw the introduction of a second female pup, Everest, but she doesn't doesn't appear in many episodes and is dressed all in purple, which is almost pink. Ugh.

The Mayor has absolutely no hesitations about trusting her town's infrastructure problems, rescue operations, and tourism and recreation events to a small child and a band of dogs. This woman doesn't have a cynical bone in her body.

It is never explained just where Ryder gets the funds to run the rescue operation or how he pays for the assortment of vehicles, gadgets, and vast array of technology that underpin every episode. Where did I go wrong in my life that a child and some stray dogs live like kings, while I still don't have an ATV that converts into a jet ski?

Even Marshall, who is a walking slapstick joke, has special talents and gifts. Each pup has a purpose, a specialty, and is valued for what they bring to the team. Now that's a world I wouldn't mind living in.

Ryder has a very cool "pup pad" tablet, that can also be used as a smartphone and allows him to video call anyone needing his assistance. It also connects directly to each pup's collar. IN addition, he has a large projector in the lookout and another in the "PAW Patroller," which is like a huge RV that allows rescue missions to go off road.

I had a flip phone until two years ago. A flip phone, you guys.

If children, and animals for that matter, can solve all of a town's problems, what's the use in being an adult at all? All the grown-ups — including Mayor Goodway, Capt'n Turbot, Francois, and Mr. Porter — seem to have all the usual responsibilities of being an adult, but still have to turn to underage rescuers whenever anything goes wrong. It sure makes this adult feel a little redundant.

We traveled to the United Kingdom to visit my family and were surprised to see PAW Patrol on the screen, only with dubbed accents. There is something really unnerving about seeing a familiar character, only to hear a totally unexpected voice come out of their mouth. It's like the whole world doesn't make sense anymore.

Ryder is always calm and collected in emergency situations. Faced with the same scenarios, I am quite confident my response would be to panic and run around in circles for a few minutes, achieving nothing. Then, if I'm being honest, I'd probably sit in the corner and have a cry.

My son had a PAW Patrol themed birthday party. He has PAW Patrol toys, clothes, computer games, bedding; I mean, you name it. The merchandising for this show is really expansive. All the kids at my sons party knew all the pups names, their catchphrases, and their story lines.

The Mayor has a purse chicken. Yes, that's a chicken that lives in her purse. This is never really explained, but has me wondering why I can't have a weird pet. My cat is so, well, ordinary.

The show consists of a pack of highly intelligent, trained, talking dogs. However, there are many more animals that live in Adventure Bay, including cats, chickens, cows, bunny rabbits, a walrus, and monkeys. Yeah, none of them can talk.

The dogs can talk, but that's it? Bummer.

All the pups are supposed to be equal, yet Marshall and Chase seem to be selected for more rescues (probably because their vehicles, a firetruck and a police car, are more useful for emergency situations). I am not sure why there would be much call for a recycling truck in any perilous situation at all. Poor Rocky really gets screwed here, although Zuma (with his hovercraft) isn't much more useful.

Sky, the only permanent female member of the group, offers air support with her custom wings, but isn't called on for much else. The added character Everest only appears in a handful of episodes.

Much like in the real world, equality is still a work in progress in Adventure Bay.

Ryder operates completely like an independent adult, without guardians, and so does another child in the show, Katie. She works as a pet groomer and, like Ryder, doesn't seem to go to school at all. Suddenly my decade (and then some) career in education seems like a huge waste of time.

PAW Patrol is loved by children across the globe, including my own son, yet it still has a few plot holes and incredulous story lines that leave me confused. Maybe you have to be a kid to get it. Maybe I have allowed this show to totally consume my life. Maybe this is part of parenthood; being so invested in a television show your kid enjoys, that you dissect it endlessly. Someone send me some wine, STAT.