Make These New Year's Resolution For Cats On Behalf Of Your Dysfunctional Feline

I get it. Her bed looks vaguely litter box-shaped. It's fluffy, and she loves it, so you want to destroy it. Well, cut it out. This year, you should limit your peeing to only in the aforementioned box. You don't pee on anything else, so why do you need to pee on her cozy bed? I've replaced it three times and I'm starting to feel guilty.

I know you're hungry. Biting my feet through the duvet does get my attention. It's not the good kind. I will lock your furry behind out of my room until it's not the middle of the night, for Pete's sake. Plus, more than once I've accidentally kicked you in the head.

That might explain your inability to learn anything at all.

I get it. Girl child was just giving you some epic ear scritches and combing your tail just how you like it. She was complimenting your terrific toe beans and feeding you bites of salmon treats. You had a good thing going as she tied her shoes and you dutifully tried to untie them. But now she is gone and you are angry. Mewling loudly at the door only annoys the human at home. It does not make her come back sooner.

It makes you puke. It makes the palm tree ugly. It's a pain in the butt to clean up. It's a lose/lose situation for all involved.

There is nothing more tempting to you than a warm, fresh-smelling basket full of laundry. It is practically begging you to leap in and burrow under the warm blanket it provides. But doing this covers our clothing and bedding in black cat fur and makes us want to shave you.

This is just spiteful. You've done it a million times. You know the end result. Something will break, or it won't. It will make a mess, or it won't. You still look like an a-hole every time you do it.

I just bought that copy of Bleak House to replace the one you ate, Trout. Is it because Mrs Jellyby's name came from it? Is it the size of the book? It doesn't matter, because you are going to stop eating the corner right meow.

It's unnecessary. Pets are friends, not foes. Also, your male human parent is also not a foe. He did not lie down in bed just to spite you, so stop batting at his head when he does.

You hate baths yet you lay in the sink and nudge the water on and let the water fall all over your face. You do this for hours. Please, stop wasting this water and drink from the bowl you insist remains completely full at all the times lest you start singing to me the song of your people.

Are you trying to trip me? I just walked in, I'm taking off my boots, and you bite at my pant leg and polish my shins. I fall at least once per week. If you enjoy your current life, you'll stop trying to end mine prematurely. The male parent would so give you to a cat farm upstate.

Your human sibling just got that Build A Bear. Was it really necessary for you to shred the stitch and disembowel it under the Christmas tree? It was a unicorn, now it's a sad plush sack filled with tears. Thanks, jerkface.

Your sister can handle it. She's like a four-deep a night fratboy with her tolerance. You? Not so much. It really messes with you, man. Last night you held your tail between your paws and screamed at it for an hour. Funny as hell for the humans, but it looked like a bad trip to me. Maybe leave that toy alone.

I know that you think it's a majestic feature of your body. You love it. You spend a significant amount of time tossing your own salad. But, not everyone wants it in their face. It's really unpleasant to have a cat stand on your shoulder, butthole inches from your face. No one wants to lick it but you, buddy.

You sit with your eyes closed for literally hours on end. You're obviously meditating. However, since I've noticed precisely zero improvements in your behavior and mood, I can only assume you suck at it. Have you tried mantra meditations? It might help.

Because you're freaking me out. Is it a ghost? A poltergeist? The spectre of all of my broken dreams? I don't care what you're looking at, because I can't see it, and it's scary.

I would add "Be Awesome" to this list, but despite all your many hangups, you're already the best cats ever. Except that butthole thing. That's really got to stop.

After experiencing a traumatic c-section, this mother sought out a doula to support her through her second child’s delivery. Watch as that doula helps this mom reclaim the birth she felt robbed of with her first child, in Episode Three of Romper's Doula Diaries, Season Two, below. Visit Bustle Digital Group's YouTube page for more episodes, launching Mondays in December.