In case you weren’t aware, your sex life has a tendency to change and evolve with time. If you were sexually active as a teen and you're now in your twenties, you probably approach sex with more confidence now than you did at first. If you started later in life, perhaps you were a bit more cautious than those who began early. And if you’ve had multiple partners or been with the same partner for several years, you might have gained a different sort of insight to how open you might be about your sex life. Either way, if you're part of a grown-ass couple now, you won't be afraid to ask your partner certain questions about the sex life you share.
Open communication leads to a better sex life, and there's just no doubt about it. Once you’ve been with someone for a while (or even multiple people intermittently for extended periods of time, or multiple people at once because, hey, I don't know you're life) and you’re no longer a wet-behind-the-ears teen, you begin to learn how to ask questions to make you (and your partner’s) sex life better and to ask those questions with confidence and, honestly, zero filter. Chances are, you'll also start to become more in-tune with your body and your partner’s body, which can open up an entirely new avenue to your sex life that requires even more inquiries. When something feels off about your sex life, you know just what to ask and what to do to either help alleviate the problem (whether it be stress, low libido, or one of the many issues sex can present) or let the relationship go. Basically, grown-ass couples are good at covering all their bases when it comes to sex. Want to know if you’re finally at the grown-ass couple stage? Well, if you're not afraid to ask these 15 questions about sex, chances are you're there, my friend.
"Do You Really Want To Have Sex Right Now?"
Enthusiastic consent is important, and while being part of a grown-ass couple means you usually (probably) know exactly when your partner is enthusiastically consenting, you also know that if anything feels even remotely off, you’ve gotta put the breaks on. Additionally, you're acutely aware that just because you've been with someone for an extended period of time, doesn't mean you're entitled to their body any time you damn well please. Nope. That's not how it works. I'm not saying that everyone should approach their partner and robotically state, “Would you like to engage in the intercourse?” I am saying that you can find a sexy way of asking if your partner is in the mood and recognize that just because someone is your partner, doesn’t mean they have to have sex with you, no questions asked.
"How Do You Feel About Our Sex Life?"
Basically, it’s good to check in with your partner to see if they feel like you’re both connecting often enough. This varies from couple to couple, so while some might feel like they need to engage at least a few times a week, others are fine with once or twice a month or, perhaps, even less. It depends on you and your partner and your individual wants and needs.
How Can I Make This More Pleasurable For You?
Never be afraid to ask your partner what you can do to make their sexual experiences better. Some people are a bit more shy and might not know how to tell you at first, which is why it's important that you open that path to communication that will be free of judgement or stigma or any other negative reaction you could possibly have to someone opening up to you. (And, you know, asking this question will probably lead to better sex, too.)
"Do You Think You Could Try This Technique On Me?"
Well hey now, you didn’t think I was going to forget about you too, did you? Make no mistake, it’s absolutely not even a little big selfish to ask a partner to try something on you if it’s going to make it a more pleasurable experience. If you’re with the right partner, they obviously want you to enjoy yourself just as much.
"When Was The Last Time You Got Tested?"
Honestly, this is something you should ask right off the bat but, you know, sometimes folks are in a hurry (understandable) and forget and/or just don't think to ask, so I figure this is a good reminder to ask your partner when was the last time they were tested. I will say, however, that it's vital that you ask this question free of judgement. There's so much stigma surrounding STIs, so do me a favor and don't ask someone if they're "clean". That implies that a person is dirty if they've contracted a (honestly) pretty common STD.
It’s also important to disclose any potential STIs/STDs to your partner(s) as well (of course). Many STDs don’t have any symptoms or come up in tests till weeks/months later, so if you and/or your partner(s) haven't been tested, it might be a fantastic idea to go do that. Maybe even together, and just make a date out of it?!
"How Should We Handle Birth Control?"
Whether you’re ready to handle a(nother) baby in your lives or not, it’s important to discuss birth control options, especially if the option you're eyeing is a long-term one. Maybe you’ve already had a kid and one is enough. Maybe you have an entire gaggle of children and couldn't possibly imagine adding one more to the mix. Maybe you don't have a kid at all but would potentially like to have one, one day. Maybe. Either way, it's important to figure out together what’s best for both of you.
"What Are Some Of Your Fantasies?"
It’s so helpful to talk about your fantasies as a couple. Sometimes one partner is a bit more shy about it than the other and, if that's the case, it would probably help if you take the lead and put your own fantasies out there (if you feel comfortable, of course). Do you like to wear costumes (or want to see them dress up)? Do you fantasize about doing it in a certain location? Do you think about bringing another person or persons into the bedroom? Even if they seem like outlandish scenarios, it’s good to discuss them because you never know what you might end up getting into.
"What Turns You On?"
This could be related to fantasies, but could also be a number of other things. Maybe they like dirty talk or they like to be in charge of the situation or some BDSM is the name of their sex game. Maybe they have particular spots on their body they enjoy having caressed, licked, sucked, etc. And if they don’t ask, volunteer what turns you on, too. Even if you’ve been together awhile, there’s a chance you and your partner(s) may have missed something.
"Want To Hit Up The Sex Shop?"
A trip to an adult toy and video store can always be a fun way to start out a night, especially if there’s been a lull in your lovemaking. You and your partner(s) can peruse different toys (some to be used alone or together), talk about movies and magazines (great conversation pieces, if I do say so myself), and buy some fun props for the night.
"What Kind Of Pornography Do You Enjoy (If Any)?"
At some point, you might run into a partner’s porn stash (not to be confused with "Pornstache") and will potentially find something exciting and/or alarming. If that doesn't sound at all appealing to you, you could always just ask your partner or partners about their pornography preferences, and let them know what you like to watch, too. Hell, you can even incorporate some porn into a sexy evening, if that's something you're both comfortable with.
"Want To Try A New Position?"
New positions are awesome and so is spontaneity, but make sure that you communicate what you want before hand, to prepare your partner for what you’re about to do and ensure that you have their consent to do it. Some of us have a bit more coordination (or, you know, a bit less, uh, balance and flexibility) which, of course, will change the kind of positions that may or may not be available for you and your partner to try. Simply pausing and saying, “Hey babe, I want to try something new,” and showing them more or less how to do it can work wonders without spoiling the mood.
"Do You Want To Incorporate A Safe Word?"
Here’s an interesting (and, honestly, super hot) way to withdraw consent: Create a safe word that lets one or more partners know that they no longer want to engage in relations with you. That way, there’s never any doubt about what’s going on in anyone’s mind.
"Did You Orgasm? If Not, Is There Anything I Can Do To Get You There?"
Let’s face it: Few of us ever climax at the same time as our partners. It’s like the unicorn of sex when it does happen (I mean seriously, so magical) but probably 9/10 times, one person finishes first. You guys, that’s okay! What’s not okay is totally leaving someone in a lurch every single time and forcing them to finish themselves off alone (or to just go unfulfilled entirely). Obviously, you shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to do but, come on guys, be kind to your sexual partner(s) and make sure they're having just as much fun as you are. Most considerate partners (provided they aren’t triggered by this) will ask their partner how they can help them finish once they’ve orgasmed.
"How Do You Feel About Introducing Another Person Into The Mix For A Night, Or Even Trying Polyamory?"
Yup, definitely a grown-ass couple question. There are plenty of reasons why someone might be into the idea of a polyamorous relationship (having more than one partner at the same time). Some folks will have their own separate relationship aside from the one they’re in, while others are simply into entering physical relationships with others simultaneously (with expressed permission from their main partner). I know plenty of folks who make it work well and it’s not as rare as you might think. If you think this might be for you, it’s usually best to be up front and have this discussion with them.
"What Are Some Things That You Never Want To Try/Never Want Me To Try On You?"
Sometimes it’s good to just get this out in the open, off the bat and before you decide if continuing physical contact with your partner(s) is right for you. If your partner isn’t into anal sex, for example, it’s good to know. If you’re wholly against being tied or restrained in any way, that's also good to know. Honestly, different people are into different things and because we're all big fans of consent and you're not into forcing someone to do something they don't want to do, if someone isn't into the same things you are, maybe it's time to end the relationship entirely so you both can be more fulfilled.
