7 Sacrifices You Make As A Progressive Parent, That Are Totally Worth It

If you wanted to kick it old school, you could cut off all conversations that were heading down a potentially awkward path without feeling the need to explain. Instead of having ongoing, sex-positive conversations about human bodies and reproduction, you could use cutesy names for genitalia and have "the talk" once. Instead of reckoning with trending topics on race or gender-based violence, you could pretend to be colorblind, or pretend everyone fits into one of two neat categories for gender, and all of that jazz. However, you know that wouldn’t prepare your kids for the world we live in, so you’re armed with tips for dealing with tough stuff in age-appropriate ways, even and especially if it means explaining to your preschooler where it is and isn’t OK to touch yourself during dinner.

Perhaps it’s because your kid came home with a story about their teacher gave out racist word problems during math class, or they’re trying to punish your child because your family has decided to opt out of high-stakes testing, or because they’re enforcing a sexist dress code designed to prevent the girls clothes from “distracting” the boys. Regardless of the specific reason, there’s probably going to be more than a few times in your lives where other adults in charge do something that necessitates not only unpacking it with your child, but having a potentially tense conversation with their teachers and principals (or camp counselors, or whomever) so they know what they’re doing isn’t OK, and so that your kids learn that it’s OK to speak out when you see something wrong, and that you’ve got their back no matter what.

Playdates and sleepovers are all fun and games until you notice the parent who’s hosting the next one ranting about sending those people “back where they came from” and bragging about their extensive (and visibly unsecured) home arsenal on Facebook. Then you have to decide whether to let your kid go, or to say something to the parent, and just, well, sigh. So many potential pitfalls to navigate.

From now until at least college, if something pops off at school, or during Scouts, or on the playground, you will be the one who says something, because as tough as it can be to do that, you know that it’s unsafe for all the kids who aren’t straight, white, able-bodied, and/or cis boys to be in an environment that doesn’t account for their physical, social, and emotional needs. You understand that even those boys who aren’t directly hurt in the moment will probably grow up to be emotionally bereft and violent if no one interrupts the oppressive socialization happening in that moment. So you suck it up and speak out, because even if you get some eye rolls, you know you’re doing the right thing. You know that you're a hero to everyone else who felt some kinda way about what was going down, but didn’t have the words (or the nerve) to say so.

It ain’t easy being "that parent." Lots of folks will wonder, aloud, why you’re trying to “turn your kid gay” (not what’s happening, and what’s wrong with being gay?) or why you let your kid be a “little smartass” (also known as “cultivating critical thinking”), or why you “make everything about race” (wasn’t me, actually, but the folks way back when who decided to build this country on a foundation of genocide and slavery). When you insist that your child be treated with the same respect that anyone else gets for being human, some will accuse you of “coddling” them or “failing to teach them their place.” (Where is this place, by the way? No one ever says!) Still, you will deal, and model how to speak up despite the haters, even when your voice shakes, because your kids and community will be better for it.

There’s probably no idle channel surfing in your house, if you even have a TV at all. You know how people learn stereotypes via the media, so you want to make sure they’re watching, listening to, and reading quality media, or at least have someone by their side to help them reality-check and question the less ideal stuff. You’ll spend extra time picking out books and other media that reflect a wide variety of characters, so your kids know that the world isn’t just made up of “white boys and dogs.” You’ll try to see if there are dolls that actually look like your kids, or video games that don’t revolve around shooting people or mistreating women. Sure, you could spend that time on something else, but you don’t even want to think about what your kids would be internalizing if you didn’t.

Basically, being a progressive parent means you’ll often be paddling against the cultural mainstream (though, fortunately, our ranks grow every day so we have a slightly less lonely time, and bigger paddles, than in times past). No, you won’t let as many seemingly “little” things slide, and that can be really tough at times. No one becomes a parent because it’s easy, right? Especially not if you’re trying to be (and beget) the change you want to see in the world.