If your child doesn’t listen well when you ask them to stop doing something, chances are that they react the same way when other people make the same request. This includes if they’re doing something hurtful to another child, who may have asked them to stop. Severson says that this difficulty with following rules can be an indication of bullying behavior, and shows that they aren’t respecting people’s wishes.

What to do about it: Talk to your child. What’s really going on? Oftentimes, kids are acting out because they’re seeking something, whether it’s attention, control, or something else entirely. Understanding what drives the behavior is a good way to make it stop.

If you child is uncomfortable around kids they feel are different than they are, or who they think are weird, they may respond with bullying them. Kids often fear things they don’t understand.

What to do about it: Encourage them to befriend people instead of teasing them. Humanizing people who are different than us is one of the most effective ways to stop viewing them as so weird or scary. Teach them that differences are good and valuable, and try to surround them with diverse people from the time they are young.

Severson notes that children who view violence in a positive light may be more prone to bullying other kids. If your kid is really into violent video games, they may be demonstrating aggressive tendencies in other areas of their life, too. And while that’s not necessarily the case, violent video games can help kids internalize harmful messages about appropriate behavior.

What to do about it: Help your child find more productive ways to let out their aggression, like through physical activity or even screaming into pillows.

Does your child seem to have trouble putting themselves in other people’s shoes? Severson says this may also manifest as a feeling of entitlement. Difficulty understanding how other people feel may make it harder for them to know when their actions could be hurtful. Gilboa suggests listening to the stories your kids tell you. She says that if you hear stories of your child always seemingly leading the pack, or hear no sign of compromise or extreme disappointment that their friends didn’t do what they suggested, those are normal things to feel. But it may also be that no one feels comfortable turning them down, which is a sign of an unequal friendship.

What to do about it: Encourage empathy by asking your child to imagine if they were in the victim’s shoes. How would they feel if someone did that to them? If they wouldn’t like it, then maybe the other person didn’t like it very much, either. Gilboa also suggests inviting your child’s friends over for a movie night or sleepover. "When they’re in your space, you’ll get a sense right away if there’s a power imbalance," she says.

Is your kid concerned about what people think about them? Do they insist on having the latest trends, and get embarrassed easily? Is their biggest goal to be in the “popular” group at school? This could make them more prone to bullying behavior. You should also pay attention to any changes in your child’s friend circle, says Gilboa. As a parent, you often have an idea who their friends are and which of those friends have strong personalities; if your child is suddenly surrounding themselves with children who are meek or more impressionable, Gilboa indicates that could be a sign that they’re looking for people they can manipulate.

What to do about it: When you invite your child’s friends over, try asking them what they want to watch. If they look to your child for their opinion, your kid may be being given too much social power, says Gilboa. Try to get to the root cause of this concern. Often, kids who are concerned with being popular at all costs are trying to seek external validation as a way to feel better about themselves. A need for popularity may actually accompany a feeling of insecurity or inadequacy on your child’s part. Work with your child on ways to boost their self-esteem.

If you’ve seen your kid picking on or teasing other kids, even if it’s their sibling, chances are they’re doing it when you aren’t looking, too. Gilboa suggests that, if you have more than one child, you watch the patterns of behavior at home. She says that all siblings will try to bully each other at some point, because they’re trying to figure out what will work to get what they want. How can you tell the difference between normal sibling bickering and bullying behavior? “If you’d call it bullying when a stranger does it, then it’s bullying when your kid does it," Gilboa says.

What to do about it: If the behavior is happening at school or with a friend, have your child make restitution as a way to demonstrate the right way to act, but also that there are consequences for their actions. The amends should include an apology, but also a promise to make it right by acting differently going forward. This can involve parents of the other child or teachers or counselors from school, if necessary. Teach your child that they don’t have to put other kids down in order to build themselves up. If the bullying is happening at home with a sibling, Gilboa indicates that this actually a good thing, because you can see what’s happening, have the whole story, and step in in an appropriate way.

Our kids are reflections of their parents. If parents engage in catty, bullying behavior, our kids will take notice. And, chances are, they may emulate that behavior. “If the child sees their parents fighting often, they may need an outlet to release their own stress and may take it out on kids at school,” ASeverson says. Setting a positive example for your kids is a good way to help teach them the right way to treat others.

What to do about it: It’s OK if you’re a gossip or if you go out of your way to avoid Susie from the park. You’re only human. But this is a really good opportunity to make some changes to your own behavior, if not for yourself then for your child. And remember that your child is learning about acceptable behavior, both in friendships and romantic relationships, from watching you interact with your partner. Try to demonstrate the kind of behavior you want her to emulate.