These 9 Ways To Support Insecure Kids Will Build Confidence For Life

Kids may have insecurity for a variety of reasons, explains Dr. Taylor, including "growing up in a family in which they didn’t feel safe, loved, or valued." He adds that some kids with insecurity may have "parents who were angry, threatening, abusive."

Often, it grows slowly, but it can be triggered by a single traumatic event, like a school shooting, abuse, or a death in the family. So, one thing you can do to help is to find out if there's something going on — if there's something in the child's life that's causing the insecurity. (Not every insecure child has been traumatized, but it's worth checking to be sure.)

Dr. Taylor explains that one of the most important things to do to support a child with insecurity is to "offer experiences and tools that can counter the thoughts and feelings of insecurity." And those "tools" may include professional help.

Insecurity, like any issue related to mental health, may require professional support. If the insecurity is severe, or if it's causing problems in the child's life — or if you've found out about a particular trauma or underlying issue — you may want to find a mental health professional to help out. If you're not sure where to start, try asking your child's pediatrician. They may be able to provide a referral.

Now, I'm not saying your kid learned their insecurity from you, or that it's your fault. I'm saying that helping a kid through a difficult issues is, well, difficult. Whether you have your own insecurities or not (ok, really, who doesn't have some insecurity?), it can be hard to see your kid sad or upset, and to feel like you can't just fix it. So, make sure you're getting the support you need. For your kid, and also for yourself.

Because insecurity can often come from feeling unloved or undervalued, Dr. Taylor emphasizes that it's important to "help them feel safe, loved, and valued." This helps counter and undo the experiences that led to the feelings of insecurity. And it sets the stage for all the other communications you'll want to have, to help out.

To someone who's insecure, compliments can sound like lies. Imagine you fell in the mud on the way to work, but when you walk into the office, a coworker you don't know very well tells you they like your scarf, which is the only part of you not covered in mud. Are they being sarcastic? Trying to pretend they don't see the mud all over you, when of course they see it? Best case scenario, they're distracted and clueless and actually failed to notice that you're covered in mud. Which means they're kind of spacey, so their opinion of your scarf probably doesn't carry that much weight, since they're clearly not an astute judge of fashion.

But you know what the key to this scenario is? That it's a coworker you don't know well. What if it was your best friend who complimented your scarf? Maybe she was trying to cheer you up by making you laugh at your fall or by offering a genuine compliment to brighten your day. This friend knows your sense of style and noticed when you bought yourself something special.

You see how different that is? In order to help build someone's sense of confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, it's important to build connection. Spend time together. Talk together. Watch TV together. Whatever it is, it will bring you a bit closer together.

Pretty much everyone can spot an insincere compliment, but people suffering from insecurity have super-sensitive insincerity detectors. In fact, they may often perceive real compliments as insincere. So don't try to compliment them out of their insecurity.

Self-esteem comes from a true sense of one's own worth. It can't be built on false or overstated compliments.

And, yes, do give compliments. Genuine ones. Dr. Taylor emphasizes that it's important to "be positive and encouraging, and to show confidence in the child."

Dr. Paula K. Rauch of the Clay Center for Young Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital explains that "children develop confidence and competence by facing new experiences, difficult transitions and unavoidable frustrations throughout childhood." In other words, having a hard time is good for building confidence. So, help your kids find small challenges. Things they can try, struggle with a little and then succeed at.

Then, you'll have something to give a genuine compliment about.

What will make a good small challenge for your kid? It's going to be different for every kid. Psychologists and educators call this sweet spot the Proximal Zone Of Development. Think about what your kid is good at. Is she an avid reader? Is he really patient with his younger sibling? Think of something that would be a little bit harder, or even just a little bit different. Maybe reading a challenging poem together. Maybe helping an elderly relative. Help your kid do something a little tricky, and then help them see what they've accomplished. Then try it again, with another tiny challenge, maybe in another arena of their life. Build bit by bit.

One of the most influential educational theories in recent years is the concept of "mindset." Dr. Carol Dweck and her research team discovered that the way a person thinks about learning and accomplishment has a huge effect on how well they do — and on how they feel about themselves. Basically, they divided people into two groups. Those who believe that skills comes from innate, fixed talent or smarts have a "fixed mindset." Those who believe that skills come from growing those skills through effort and practice have a "growth mindset." And it turns out that people with a growth mindset are actually able to learn and succeed more than those who believe in innate talent. And, they tend to be more self-confident. When faced with a challenge, they are less likely to feel insecure.

The key to Dweck's breakthrough research is that if you teach someone to have a growth mindset, they can gain greater confidence and success.

So, talk to your kids about growth mindset. And praise their effort, to remind them that skills come from practice. It will help them see that they can learn and grow — that they're not stuck with whatever skills (or deficits) they perceive themselves to have.

And, if that all sounds too abstract, here are some phrases to try — whether they succeeded or not. "I know you worked for a long time on that." "How did you learn to do that?" "How long did it take you to make that?"

Dr. Taylor reminds us that it's important to "acknowledge their challenges" when helping a kid deal with insecurity. For kids of all ages, helping them talk about their feelings can help them unpack and process their emotions. Practice active listening, echoing back what your kid says and asking open-ended questions to find out more. Resist the temptation to immediately try to fix it or reassure. Sometimes it can be really helpful to give an insecure kid the chance to feel insecure — and to be accepted in their insecurity.

Not just in your kids, but in lots of people. Each person has unique skills and assets. Some are clever, and some are patient. Some are musical, and some are great listeners. Your kid is going to get a sense of which qualities you value from what you compliment, in your kids and in others. Do you tend to praise good grades? Do you get really excited about the Olympics and sports? Your kiddo may think those are the only important qualities, and they'll judge themselves by that scale.

So, find opportunities to compliment other virtues. Especially smaller, quieter ones. Not everyone is going to get perfect grades. Not everyone is going to be poet laureate. But lots of people can be generous or attentive. Lots of people can perceptive about art or music.

Experts:

Dr. Jim Taylor, Ph.D., psychologist and author of five parenting books

Dr. Paula K. Rauch, M.D., of the Clay Center for Young Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital