Life
For as long as there has been internet, those of us who frequent the shadow corners of the world wide web have fallen into teams: Team Jennifer or Team Angelina, Team Jacob or Team Edward, Team Tampon or Team Menstrual Cup. But perhaps no battle has been waged more furiously than the battle between Team Pie and Team Cake. Thanksgiving, however, has been claimed, now and forevermore, by Team Pie, and it turns out your favorite Thanksgiving Day pie says a lot about you.
Let me just say that it there is nothing more tragic than seeing good people become so blinded by self-righteousness, they fail to eat literally all the baked goods made available to them on the most gluttonous day of the year. There's room in your belly for all the pie, you guys. However, I do understand that your Thanksgiving Day meal choices are no laughing manner, and such decisions should be given careful consideration. So, if you forgo eating all the things because you want to make sure you're accurately represented, I get it. I'm with you. I totally understand. Not everyone has the time to take one of those online quizzes in an attempt to learn something about themselves. So, on Thanksgiving, you can just pick a pie and make a statement (while eating delicious treats which is, of course, the dream).
So as you settle in and prepare to stuff your face with a delicious meal, take a moment to stop and think about your choices and what they're telling that one family member who didn't vote this election. I mean, what are the holidays for if not to take subtle jabs at estranged family members, right?
Pumpkin Pie
Whoa! Watch out everyone! We've got a rebel here! Someone who dares to march to the beat of a different drum! Someone whose originality and clarity of vision is an inspiration to all around them!
Kidding. You're basic.
OK, you're not basic, but there's not much I can tell you about yourself if your favorite Thanksgiving Day pie is "pumpkin," because everyone's favorite pie is pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. So even if you're not basic, you're kind of unoriginal. Of course, no judgment here. After all, pumpkin pie is freakin' delicious.
Apple Pie
You're all-American, friendly, love sports, and are just as happy having burgers with your best buds as you are at a five star restaurant.
Then again, maybe not. I mean, I don't know you or your life. Maybe you're an un-athletic misanthrope who hates America and hasn't left the house in four years because she's been too busy working on her Jane Eyre fan fiction. This could really go either way. Everyone likes apple pie.
Pecan Pie
You're Southern AF. Even if you're a Northerner, anyone who has a deep abiding love for pecan pie has a Southern soul. My father's family lived in the deep south for more than 200 years before eventually settling up North. So, I'm two generations removed from Georgia, but damned if I wouldn't run through a brick wall for a slice of pecan pie, y'all.
Cherry Pie
You really like that '80s song of the same name by Warrant.
You giggle to yourself whenever someone asks, "Do you want some of my cherry pie?" or, "Do you like eating cherry pie?" because OMG it's a metaphor for sex, you guys.
Blueberry Pie
You don't realize this is a summertime food and only a savage would eat a blueberry pie after Labor Day. Come on now. Get your sh*t together.
Coconut Cream Pie
You are trying to gather up the courage to tell your father you're forsaking the family business to go to clown college, I'm assuming.
Cookie Pie
Never heard of cookie pie? Of course you probably haven't. I just listed this as an excuse to share my super delicious cookie pie recipe with you, because it's ridiculously easy and is a favorite at every holiday (when my cousins require I make it). You will need:
- One box of brownie mix (and the ingredients to make it)
- Two Oreo or graham cracker pie crusts
- A roll of pre-made cookie dough
Step 1: Pre-heat your oven to 350.
Step 2: Mix brownie batter according to box directions.
Step 3: Pour mixture evenly between two pie crusts.
Step 4: Divide roll of cookie dough evenly between two pie crusts (just kind of break it apart and stick it in the batter).
Step 5: Bake 45 minutes.
Done.
It is gooey and delicious and goes really well with ice cream. My former boss made this for me on my first day on the job and gave me the recipe on my last because she is a damn angel.
Lemon Meringue Pie
If you're talking about a carefully crafted gourmet lemon meringue pie from a well-regarded bakery, then you have discerning and delicate taste. If you're talking about the crap lemon meringue pies you get at the grocery store, then you enjoy eating room temperature spongy sweet air with some gooey lemon booger on the bottom.
Low Fat Anything
Everyone resents you and regrets putting you in charge of dessert this year. Don't even ask if we want to "get in a quick workout" after dinner, because we do not.
Rosemary Pear Pie Topped With A Tobacco And Bourbon Infused Whipped Cream
Go back to Brooklyn or Portland or Austin or wherever the hell you're visiting from. (You can leave the pie, though.)
