Living Room Families Vs. Bedroom Families Is The Newest Influencer Label & No Thank You

I spent a lot of time in my bedroom as a child. It was my safe, happy space, where I could play for hours with my dollhouse and daydream and read book after book in my inflatable chair. I had disco ball curtains I hung in front of my bed, and as a maximalist child, nothing pleased me more than having all of my stuff right there with me.

According to a new trend bubbling on TikTok and Instagram, this means I was deeply uncomfortable with my family and did not feel safe or welcome in the communal spaces of our home. In an Instagram reel posted by @mindfulmadga, an account for “mindful living + motherhood,” she makes the argument that she’s raising a “living room family” instead of a “bedroom family.” That families who spend most of their time together in the living room or other communal spaces of their home do so because they feel safe and accepted and welcome, versus families who spend time apart in their own spaces and bedrooms. She claims that she wants to continue to cultivate a “living room family” vibe with her own children (sure, sounds good!) because she doesn’t want them to feel “like they’re walking on eggshells anytime they’re in a common space.” Wait a minute.

This idea of your family being an either/or, of your family being labeled simply because you’ve noticed your children — probably very young children, if you had the audacity to make this claim — prefer to be up your butt on the couch watching Bluey than playing alone in their bedrooms is just not a thing and certainly not a thing I need to see on my social-media feeds.

And we for sure do not need to start an all-expenses-paid guilt trip for the parents who’ve noticed that every minute of every day is not spent in the company of their children in the living room.

Your children’s ages, your work and extracurriculars, each family member’s personalities — all of these are factors in how your family hangs out at home. I have three daughters, and even in our coziest moments spent together in the living room, I know my husband and I are saying things like “please don’t sit like that on the chair” or “put your tablet down and let’s all watch this movie” or “for the love of God, please use the other 4 feet available on this couch.” Having a place to escape that is good for people, too. My children are accepted and loved for who they are, and they know this.

Because our entire house is a kid’s safe space. They should feel safe in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the laundry room. They should know that if they need to tell you something, it’s OK to do it right there in the entryway on a busy morning because they are safe and loved and accepted. That they don’t have to wait until you’re all in the living room for love and closeness to happen. That they can hang out in their own rooms without you panicking that they’re drifting away from you. A 2015 study found that children spend more time in their homes than anywhere else, and roughly one-third of a child’s life is spent in their bedroom. Isn’t that a good thing? Don’t you want your kids to feel like their bedroom is just part of their safe home, where they can explore and grow and enjoy their life? If your kid wants to be in their bedroom and you insist that they be with you in the living room instead, isn’t that more about what you need versus what your child needs? When you, as an adult, as an overwhelmed parent, need some breathing room, how would it feel to have your partner insist that you join them in the living room for “quality time” instead? Would you think that they’re only doing what’s best for your relationship, or would you feel forced and trapped and resentful? Meeting your children where they are is important, and honestly, that’s as much of a bonding moment as being in the same room together.

The harder truth is that showing up every day and meeting your own particular kids in a way that works for both of you is something you have to figure out on your own.

Because where they are might sometimes be in the living room, throwing pillows on the floor or playing with slime on the family piano. And it’s OK to remind them to pick up the pillows (why, children, why?), to ask them to take the slime to the kitchen table, to encourage them to keep your communal areas neat and tidy so everyone can enjoy the space. None of this means your children are “walking on eggshells” in your home or feeling so uncomfortable that they must spend all their time in their bedroom. This is just how people live intimately in a shared space, navigating the needs and wants of a group. It’s an important skill.

This kind of labeling is the thing I hate most about the current parenting landscape on social media. Helicopter moms, gentle parenting, the absolutely asinine “scrunchy” mom, which is just two mom personalities bundled into one (so, basically, all of us) — it’s all meant to play on your insecurities as a parent so you can feel like you’re doing something right. As if there’s an exact guidebook to follow, as if calling yourselves a “living room family” guarantees you and your children all feel safe and loved and accepted in your home.

The harder truth is that showing up every day and meeting your own particular kids in a way that works for both of you is something you have to figure out on your own. And whatever that looks like for you, for them, for your family, may not be something you can easily describe. It can’t be labeled; it can’t be written out into a cute caption and encompass everything you want it to because parenting, really loving and nurturing your kids, is complex. No self-appointed mindful living expert can tell you how to live happily with your own individual kids.

So just let your family live. Trust your own instincts. Family togetherness, and raising kids who feel safe in their bodies and their homes and their relationships with their parents, has almost nothing to do with which room in the house they hang out in. (But if it’s in their bedroom, make them bring all those cups to the sink every few days because that’s just ridiculous.)